This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

A few days ago I received an email and found out that some one I knew took his own life this week. Most people would say they “committed” suicide and I’m not sure I’ve understood that term. Perhaps it has something to do with the term “committed” homicide but whatever. I can honestly say I’ve never understood why someone would kill themselves. What drives someone to slit their wrists, put a gun to their head, drive off a cliff or hang themselves? One could say that life is so bad for them here on earth that they can’t take it and decide to stop the pain. It bothered me so much and as I coped to understand why this person killed themselves I also felt an enormous weight for what their family was going through. That weight was so strong that I decided to go and visit the family, not only to seek some answers, but also to offer comfort.

I know that this individual was not a Christian and felt that the same was true for their family but I couldn’t resist the Holy Spirit compelling me to go and talk to them. So today I grabbed my Bible and instead of going to church I went to his parent’s house. Last night, this morning and on my way over I just kept praying over and over again that the Lord would give me the right words to say and that they would be His words. When arrived at the house I said one more quick prayer and walked up and knocked on the door.

After almost a minute of waiting I knocked again, a little harder. No response. I was puzzled… why had the Lord compelled me to come over here if there wasn’t anyone home? As usual my impatience was brought to light as I turned to walk back to my car and saw another car pull into the driveway. A man and a woman in their forties got out and looked me over. I must have looked pretty strange, Bible in hand and walking away from the front door and so I told them my name and said, “I knew your son, and wanted to talk to you if I could.” The awkward silence was deafening and the woman started to tear up.

The man said, “Sure. Come on in.”

As we walked into the house the woman excused herself and walked quickly up the stairs. The man said to me, “Would you like a drink?”

I said, “No thanks.”

He pointed to a couch in the living room and said,  “Have a seat while I get myself something.”

I sat a long leather couch that faced a large HD TV. Two other chairs were positioned facing the 52” behemoth and I began to look around. On several walls were family photos. Most of them had my friend in them along with his parents, his sister and several other folks that were probably his extended family and relatives. As I continued to look around the woman came down the stairs holding several things in her hand. Two of them were black, three-ringed binders that have silver and white writing all over them. The third object was a small black Moleskine journal that had a pen sticking out of it. She asked, “Would you like something to drink?” repeating it with almost the same inflection as her husband.

I said “No thanks.”

She said, “How did you know John?”

I told her how I had knew him and how long I had knew him and added that I had always fun when I was around him.

She smiled and said, “John was always that way. Fun to be around, life of the party. He loved singing and writing music.” As she talked the man walked in and sat in the other chair that occupied a small space next to a big bright window. In his hand was a glass of amber liquid with several ice cubes in it. As he sipped from the glass he looked at his wife, tension in his eyes and neck. “Looking back you’d never think that he was so sad inside,” she said, tears starting to fill her eyes again.

The man grabbed a small Kleenex box from the table closest to him and passed it to the woman. She took the box and placed it in her lap on top of the binders and journal. He looked at me, “So what did you want to talk about?”

I took a deep breath and said, “Actually sir, I was hoping to find out if there was anything you needed. If there was anything I could do to help. I know that may sound ridiculous at a time like this, but I’ve been through a lot of pain myself recently, and I’ve learned a few things along the way. I’m not a shrink or anything but I was John’s friend and I want to help in any way I can.”

The man stared at me. His wife looked down at the floor. “We called some of his other friends. To tell them what happened. They all freaked out. None of them wanted to talk to us. Our daughter…” The word caught in his throat. He took a breath and large swallow from his glass, ice cubes crashing back down to the almost empty glass. “Our daughter left and is with my Mother. They all blame us.”

“We loved John,” the woman said, starting to cry harder. “We always tried to do everything we could to make him happy. But he hated us. He blamed us whenever something went wrong. He said we were sabotaging his life ever since he was born.” She pulled more Kleenex out of the box and pressed them hard against her face. Her husband looked on with pity and tenderness in his face.

I said, “I’m so sorry Mrs. Smith. If this is too hard for you right now, I can come back after some time has passed.”

Her husband looked at me and said, “No, please stay. This is only going to get harder for us and right now you’re the only person who’s shown any interest in our son. We’re both just a little emotional right now. We probably need to talk about all this because it might help. No one else will listen to us right now.” He turned to his wife, “Do you want some water hon?”

She said, “No thanks.” She looked up and me and said, “I just don’t understand why you’re being so nice to us, when everyone else is treating us like scum.”

I took a deep breath and said, “Well to be honest, John never mentioned any of those things to me. And even if he had, everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. If i can help just a little bit by listening to you and what you have to say then it’s worth it for us to have a blank slate. Does that make sense?”

The man nodded and looked back at his wife again. “Right now we could use a blank slate. Right now we both wish we could go back in time and do things differently.”

Grief has has paid an unwelcome and unexpected visit…

These past few years May, June and July have been tough months but going forward it seems they will be tougher. The grief that has now visited the lives of others in close proximity to me is the same grief that I thought I had won over and my heart is heavy.

My heart is heavy because grief steals and shakes your confidence. My heart is heavy because grief is long lasting and ironically never truly dies. My heart is heavy because it doesn’t take much to remember the grief that stopped my life for a time and now it has stopped the lives of others whom I love and care about. The stabbing sensation just above your stomach and below your chest that produces sobs of anguish and emotional upheaval has now made it’s entrance into the hearts of dear friends and I hurt for them.

Thankfully God has constantly reminded me that Jesus wasn’t immune from grief and sorrow. Isaiah 53:3 says, “He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.” (ESV emphasis mine). When Lazarus died Jesus wept. The Garden of Gethsemane was no picnic either. Jesus literally bled with grief and sorrow that night. I take comfort in the fact that our Saviour and the one who set the example for us in this race that we call life, did not ignore His grief, condemn His grief or live for His grief.

What a loving and gracious God to send us His Son to set the example that grief is okay and is a part of life here on this broken, messy and jacked up earth. God could have said grief was a sin and then where would be? Instead, He allowed Lazarus to die in order to bring glory to Himself through His Son Jesus’s grief.

I can rest in Jesus, trust Jesus, love Jesus and serve Jesus during my grief knowing that “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” (2 Corinthians 5:21 ESV) and knowing that The Father and the Son both grieved over that event.

This weekend I am facing a choice point.

I have to decide between two paths to follow. Neither path seems to have drastic drawbacks and neither of them seem to have burly benefits. One has more short term gain but no guarantee of long term endurance. The other will more than likely pay off in the long run but there will be some sacrifice in the short term.

In some respects it’s like the game of chess. For example, a player that develops his pieces early and attacks often may have the upper hand for the short term. There’s always a chance that it will pay off in the long run, but most of the time the early attacks can loose tempo midway through the game because every attack risks your pieces and leaves your own King without protection. The short term gains just don’t pay off sometimes.

On the flip side there’s the motto that “Inch by inch life is a cinch… Yard by yard it’s very, very hard.” Much has been written, blogged (and yelled at me) about the value of “Delayed Gratification.” In the game of chess a patient player will develop his pieces at the right time, protect the King first and then strategize about a well-thought-out plan of attack. There are no accidental moves as everything is choreographed to win the game through persistence and dedication.

Two approaches and both have their pros and cons. In the game of chess a really good player can turn either strategy into a victory and a poor player will fail either way. It seems to me that the key is not which strategy works or doesn’t works, it’s the quality of the player behind the game.

Unfortunately in the chess game of life I haven’t exactly been a strong player. I have a lot of losses in my playbook and very few wins. Under pressure I loose perspective and commit blunders of epic proportions and end up with my King cornered and running scared. When I win it’s usually not anything that I’ve done, it’s usually because my opponent was worse at the game than me. There are rare occasions where some plan of mine pays off and I am able to execute it and play a good endgame, but those times are far and few between.

So when it comes to making decisions, I hesitate to act on my own. I have to think through everything, get input from others and then forge ahead hoping that the decision I make will turn out okay. My preference is to have God back me into a corner and force me onto one particular path and eliminate the x-factor that is my weak human flesh. However, God’s will is not always very clear, especially when it comes to choosing between things that aren’t outright sinful or wrong.

When I am faced with a choice between right and wrong, I know the difference between the two very well and so my choice boils down to pleasing God, or pleasing myself. When I choose to please God I do the right thing and when I choose to please myself I do the wrong thing. But how to make a choice between two thing that are neither right nor wrong, especially when God is being silent about His will?

I think the answer may lie in a verse or two that have come to mind as I try to navigate through the decision making process:

[33] But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
-Matthew 6:33 ESV

[31] So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
-1 Corinthians 10:31 ESV

[12] I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. [13] I can do all things through Him (Christ Jesus) who strengthens me.
-Philippians 4:12-13 ESV

First, I have to seek God first and foremost. Whether or not I receive a clear answer about which path to take, whatever decision I make I have to seek the Lord first. That involves lots of prayer and patience. Prayer for clear direction but also patience to let things happen in God’s timing. Even when it may seem that the decision is coming down to the wire, God can still act to intervene in circumstances.

Second, not matter what I do, I MUST glorify God doing it. If one of the choices will allow me to glorify God better than other the I MUST pursue the path that gives God greater glory. If there doesn’t appear to be a path that greater glorifies God then the path chosen should be explored and dissected for every opportunity to glorify God.

Third, throughout the decision making process and especially after the decision is made, I need to be content in Christ alone. Because I am a follow of Christ, the decisions I make have no bearing whatsoever on my salvation because ultimately Christ’s work on the cross is sufficient for that. Whether or not the decision works out, my salvation is built on The Solid Rock of Christ and not the fleeting pros and cons of this world. My perspective should be that no matter what path I choose and no matter what the outcome of that choice, I will be secure in my salvation and therefore I can endure I can rejoice in the times of need just I can rejoice in the times of plenty.

So I hope over the next week or two you’ll be praying for the decisions that lie ahead for me. I also hope that you’ll be praying for the decisions that you will face in all due time.

When I’m at work I’m always looking over my shoulder. The desk that I am at is wonderful because it faces a window but he disadvantage is that the door and the rest of the office is behind me. I listen to music all day while I’m working but because we don’t all share the same taste in music we all wear headphones. All that means is that there is a lot that can and does go on behind me and I have to physically turn my head to keep up with everything that happens throughout the day.

The problem with this is that I continually loose focus on the task at hand. The majority of the time when I am looking over my shoulder what’s going on has nothing to do with me. And usually when there is something that pertains to me I am contacted directly via email or IM. My supervisor here is VERY good about communicating what he needs from me. His expectations are clearly laid out and the project managers that I work with are pretty organized too. Right now, I could do my job without ever interacting with a live human. Between email, IM and task management tools I could conceivably sit at my desk all day and never leave except for breaks.

So why do I have so much trouble focusing on what’s in front of me and find it necessary to keep looking over my shoulder?

The honest answer is…

Sometimes it’s because I want to be useful and be a problem solver and provide resources to my co-workers. Sometimes it’s because they are working on an interesting project and I want to learn more about it. Sometimes it’s because they are learning something new and I want to learn to.

But most of the time it’s fear.

It’s fear that causes me to look over my shoulder and want to be involved with the things going on behind me.

My fear is that whatever is going on behind me will affect or derail the project that is in front of me.

The problem is, looking over my shoulder is the problem, not what’s going on behind me. Learning to trust that whatever is going on behind me is probably not my concern (and in some cases none of my business) is a hard lesson for me.

Just like it was for Lot’s wife. She was concerned with what was going on behind her in Sodom and Gomorrah and the consequences for turning around was her life.

[24] Then the LORD rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulfur and fire from the LORD out of heaven. [25] And he overthrew those cities, and all the valley, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground. [26] But Lot’s wife, behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.
-Genesis 19:26 ESV (emphasis mine)

That can be so true for any of us…

I’ve spent a lot of my life looking over my shoulder in fear of the past and in distrust of God. I wish it was easy to leave my mistakes behind and press on toward what is ahead…

[12] Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. [13] Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, [14] I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 3:12-14 ESV (emphasis mine)

The phrase “straining forward” is the picture of someone running a race and hurtling themselves toward the finish line in a full body burst of energy.

Unfortunately I’ve been pretty lazy running the race these past few years. I’m not even sure if I’ve been running the race so much as sitting on the sidelines watching others zoom by with all their heart, soul, mind and strength toward the finish line. To be honest I’m not even sure who put me there to begin with. After the Firestorm and loosing my Mom, it was probably me who put myself there.

At first it seemed like the right thing to do. I had no business helping others when I couldn’t even help myself. How could I point others to a God whom I had grown to distrust. How could I point someone else to a Bible I barely read (past tense) anymore because I didn’t like what it had to say about pain, suffering and persecution. It all adds up to me taking myself out of the race and letting others pass me by while I “got better.”

The problem was I spent so much time looking over my shoulder at how poorly I ran the first half of the race, that I got distracted from the rest of the race still yet to come. But something inside of me is changing and I can only describe it one way:

I am now the underdog… and I LOVE the underdogs.

Just ask anyone who’s ever been around me during a major (waste of time) sporting event and you’ll know that I always root for the team that’s suppose to loose. I root for the horse that’s not favored to win. I root for the quarterback who’s lost all his games. I root for those bums the Dodgers. I love the come-from-behind-and-kick-butt story! The formula is built into every movie ever made!

Think about it…

Look at your watch the next time you’re at a movie that’s about 2 hours long and set your watch for 75 minutes in. The hero’s plans have failed. They are isolated with no hope and things are looking really bad. Then it happens! Something gives them moral support and it strengthens their character to the point where they are willing to continue. It’s the second turning point (or plot point if you’re old fashioned) and the final conflict between the hero and their obstacle will result in total loss or total victory and resolution!

I believe I have reached the second turning point. The first was turning my life over to Christ.

The second turning point for me is realizing that I know how this race turns out. So I’m warming up and getting ready to get back out there and finish this race well. I’m stretching some old muscles that haven’t been used for a while and I’m recalling my training.

And then watch out… Because this is one runner who not be looking over their shoulder anymore.

Today I spent the day with my Sister and her Boyfriend Daniel driving out to Riverside to place flowers on my Mom’s grave. It was a tough outing but it needed to be done. It helped not to be alone or apart from each other as kids who have lost a Parent. I spent some time on the car ride out praying for the family of Peggy Sturgis who was ushered into the loving arms of Jesus not to long ago. I know what it’s like to spend Mother’s Day without a Mom.

Mother’s Day will always be a difficult day for the rest of my life. I miss her so much everyday, but Mother’s Day is particularly hard. I miss spoiling her with a homemade card, dinner at whatever nice restaurant she chose and being able to spend time that day loving her, hugging her and appreciating all that she meant to me. Her success at being an amazing Mother emphasizes to me how often I failed at being a good son. It took her diagnosis with cancer and her first brush with death in October of 2006 for me to realize (too late) that I had never treated her with the respect and love that she deserved. I have so many regrets at how I treated her as a kid as a teenager and especially as a young adult. And now it’s too late to make up for any of it because she’s gone. Her memory is in my heart, but her presence is thankfully with the Lord… He never let her down… even in death.

When In The Darkness

When in the darkness of this life I pass
I wonder when reprieve will come at last
‘Twill always cause my heartfelt thoughts to swirl
To fight against the power of this world

Standing o’re the abyss my step is frail
Therein the deepness darkness is a veil
A point of light can overcome the void
If soul and heart and faith can be deployed

Fear of others and thoughts toward me are lord
Though in my spirit there’s room for but one Lord
It’s He that draweth out the pain and sin
For over death and Satan He did win

‘Twas death’s cruel sting He conquered utterly
His Father’s plan was made so perfectly
Exchanging His own Son for me and you
Paying ransom’s debt it’s deathly due

Upon the tree His bloody body spread
He said, “Forgive them Dad” and then was dead
A borrowed tomb gave momentary rest
For He was just a transitory guest

And on that third day rising from the grave
The stone was rolled away from that dark cave
And now my grave-bound heart is free at last
When Jesus, through the dark of this life past

Click here to view the embedded video.

Love this song and keeping the words close to my heart right now… She sings the first and last verse but I’ve included them all because they are powerful.

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word;
But as Thou dwell’st with Thy disciples, Lord,
Familiar, condescending, patient, free.
Come not to sojourn, but abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings,
Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea—
Come, Friend of sinners, and thus bide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

It is another one of those posts. You know, the ones I should not be writing but write anyway.

It is a very dark time in my life. I don’t know how else to describe it. About three or four weeks ago I changed. I don’t know how to describe this to you. Either I attempt to comfort you and preempt any sorrow by saying it is not really that bad and understate my circumstance, or I catalogue my thoughts to you with the possibility of misunderstanding and dread. All I can say is that I have had some sort of mental breakdown. My strength is gone. Depression? Certainly. Anxiety? Definitely. Fighting with the Lord? Most assuredly. All I know is that I broke a few weeks ago and I don’t know how to fix myself. All of the advice that I have given to broken people over the years is now pointed back at me and I realize how empty it can be.

Why? I don’t know. I wish I did. I have spent the last few weeks obsessing with how to get “me” back. I have analyzed every possible turn. God seems to have gone AWOL and I can’t get in touch with him other than through the cold hard facts. Facts are facts. They are nice, but I am coming to realize how much I need his presence in other ways. He has not been seen in this neck of the woods in quit some time. I am trying to reevaluate my expectations, but that is easier said than done. It is like when someone you love and have grown so used to has disappeared and you have everyone out looking for him but no one knows what happened. Fear sets in and every possible bad thing that could have happened becomes a valid option.

Lord, I guess I need to experience you. I need to see you. Maybe not physically, but like you used to. Things were going so well on so many fronts. My family was strong and they were all following you. Now everyone that I loved so dearly and saw you in is either dead, mentally incapacitated, doubting, or is pissed at me depressed. Some have three or four. It is so dark at mom’s house. It used to be so wonderful. You were there. And my ministry: it was a joy I turned to so often and found you when you were gone in other places. For years you had surprise moves that energized my spirit with your presence. Now you have left the building here as well. I have come to the point where I am timid and insecure. The mandate that I had is gone. I am exhausted. Completely exhausted. I still have no lack for ideas, I simply lack your blessing? I don’t know.

Lord, it is lonely without you. I know, I know. You are really there. You are in other things I am not seeing. I know you are teaching me something. But I don’t really want to learn this anymore. I am sorry, but if you take your presence away from me, what do you expect? I am so tired and I don’t know how to function in this environment. Can’t I learn it with you in the room?

I think I have cried more times in the last few weeks then I have in my entire life. My poor familywife does not know what to do.

To my readers: I ask for your prayers. I don’t know what it is like any longer to mount up on wings like eagles. I don’t know what the peace that passes understanding is anymore. I have the opposite and it does not seem to be going away any time soon. It is taking its toll on everyone I know and I understand why. I was the stable one. I was the one who demonstrated what faith in Christ could get you through. I was the one that set an example. I always had hope. Now I am a leper of sadness and hopelessness. I don’t know what I am asking for prayer for. I just want to be back to “normal.” I have been to see my am going to see my Pastor and have some rocks who are remaining stable. Please know that I am not going through this alone. Yet it is still so dark. I do ask you to talk to God about this on my behalf. As the Lord hangs on to me at this time, pray that he pulls me out of this pit. I do know I will get through this, but I need your prayers so much. I am broken.

When I read the Bible I am struck over and over again by the stories of people who were called by God to suffer.

Think about it…

From Cover to Cover there are countless stories of God’s people suffering and then God using those times in ways they could never imagine. There is even a whole section of Hebrews that is devoted to those who were called to suffer and lived by faith. Their stories serve as a reminder to us that while we are here on earth, we will be called to suffer. The greatest example of all is of course Jesus, who suffered so much that he sweat drops of blood before anyone had ever laid a hand on Him. If you’ve ever wondered if God can use suffering for His glory and for the redemption of mankind, you need look no further than example of suffering in Jesus Christ.

Over the past few years we have all been through a lot. We’ve lost loved ones, we’ve lost battles with evil, we’ve seen a groaning earth rumble and shake cities to the ground and we’ve probably all experienced some difficult financial times as well. For while, when I was in the heat of battle, I became very blind to the suffering of others. I was so consumed and wrapped up in what was going on with me, that I forgot about my fellow man. Yes, the firestorm and trials were very real and the pain was legitimate, but I turned a blind eye to those enduring unspeakable pain and suffering… God did not intend for us to suffer that way.

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be contacting some of you and sharing some things that God has put on my heart. God has burdened me with a message that has changed my life. It’s the message of what the Gospel looks like when those of us who have been called to follow Christ are called to suffer. I’m also going to be contacting some of you and asking you to share your story about times when the Lord has called you to suffer. Some of you have been through some very difficult trials in your life and when I look at your life now, I can see how the Lord has shaped you a molded you because of that call to suffer.

If the Lord wills, the end result will be a resource, or set of resources, that will offer an alternative to our current view of what it means to suffer for the Lord. For now this project is entitled “The Call Of Suffering. The goal of these resources is to reshape and renew our minds when it comes to the topic of suffering in the life of a true follower of Christ. The reason for these resources is that during our times of suffering, it can be hard to understand our relationship with God. We fail to realize that a call to follow Christ, is a call of suffering in Christ. Today, most followers of Christ view suffering as unwanted, undeserved and unfair. However a careful and diligent study of God’s Word produces the constant theme of God calling His followers and even His only Son to suffer. In these resources, we’ll take a look at various instances in the Bible where God has called His people to suffer. We’ll also hear from and explore some present day examples of followers that God has called to suffer. Finally, we will fix our gaze on Jesus, who was called to suffer for the glory of His Father.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.” Hebrews 12:1-3 (ESV)

Over the next few weeks I look forward to meetings and phone conversations with you as we learn about The Call Of Suffering.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

1. My cage was rattled over the Conan verse Leno Late Night Wars. I love Conan and always have. Ever since I watched Johnny Carson as a kid I always wondered what it would be like to one-day work on a show like that. I love comedy and I when I found out Conan was going to host The Tonight Show I was excited and gave myself something to work for. To one day write or be a part of the Tonight Show was not a far fetched dream but something I could actually see myself doing. Needless to say it was tough to see Conan be abused by NBC brass but it was inspirational to watch how he went out… by having a lot fun on Television.
2. Since mid-October there has been a hole in my ceiling that resulted from a leaking roof. The roof was eventually fixed however after repeated contact with our management company the ceiling was ignored until early last week when the torrential rains finally proved to be to much for the flimsy patches to hold and the ceiling caved in and damaged irreplaceable pictures. I ended up getting into several shouting matches with people that could care less that water had caused damage to my property due to their negligence. To add insult to injury we were served with an eviction notice because we refused to pay the rent until they decided to do something about the poor maintenance.
3. In addition to the poor maintenance form management Southern California Edison has seen fit to turn our power off three different times over the past 2 weeks. They claim each time it’s for maintenance but then today the power went off with no notice and it wasn’t until after we called that we discovered that there was scheduled maintenance but that the problem was the maintenance caused “severe damage to critical systems which have led to an extended outage.” The power has been out since 9AM this morning and won’t be back on until approximately 6AM tomorrow. Right now I’m hiding out at a Starbucks trying to see if I can get stuff done for the move this weekend.
4. Moving is a pain in the a$$. Packing and going through and getting rid of crap that you’ve had for over 25 years can be both liberating and excruciating. There is freedom that comes from divesting yourself of the things that encumber you, but stuff is funny. We think we need it, but we really don’t. And the truth is the more stuff you have the more problems that stuff brings you. At the same time, the memories that are brought back by a third grade project, or a Christmas card from a particularly tough year can be comforting and encouraging. Then of course moving involves location, location, location. Not to mention cost, cost, cost.
5. Some major changes and events have been transpiring at my former church that directly relate to the ongoing reconciliation process. Needless to say, some key players are abandoning ship and it’s put me in a position where I’m left wondering how far to pursue reconciliation with them. At what point should I abandon the idea that there will be a happy ending to this?

–

So there you have it… my complaints and hassles this week. But in reality they pale in comparison to the suffering and misery of the people in Haiti. No food, no water, no electricity, no order, no help, no hope. People’s dead loved ones are piled in the street, violence has been slowly creeping in and churches there have been decimated by structural damage, whole congregations dying and spiritual turmoil due to unimaginable trials. Yet I’m ticked off over and entertainment show, a small pathetic hole in my ceiling, temporary lack of electricity, clinging to stuff that I don’t need and problems with a couple of people who have no control over my spiritual well being.

Pretty selfish and stupid. Sure I texted “Haiti” to 90999, I gave to my church and I donated at Starbucks. But oh how comfortable that was. To sit thousands of miles away from the horror of what is taking place there and to send money to a country that is in ruin. It’s the equivalent of putting a band-aid on a severed limb, I’ve done no good. And yet I am SO ungrateful for the amazing gifts and blessings that I have here and for what? Just a little comfort… I am disgusted.

P.S. To leave comments click on the Title at the top of this post.

One of the gals that is part of my New Church Family is close friends with an amazing lady named Peggy Sturgis. She in the end stages of Ovarian Cancer, has a wonderful husband an 4 amazing children. Of course this really hits close to home for me and I have been praying for her and her family as often as possible.

I know what her family is going through and I know what they have ahead of them. None of it will be easy and none of it will make sense at the time. Right now Peggy is fighting the good fight and is having weekly gatherings at her home in order to worship with her friends and loved ones for as long as she’s able. I know she’s not wasting her life or the opportunity that God has given her to glorify Him until her last breath.

Please be praying for her and her family and if you want, you can visit her website and leave a message of encouragement for her: http://peggysturgis.com

If the Lord allows, I’m hoping to meet her and her family sometime soon and share my Mom’s story with them.

On of the most interesting chapters I’ve ever read in the Pentateuch is Exodus Chapter 1. Exodus 1 is very much a transition chapter leading from the resolution of Joseph’s story up to the beginning of Moses’ story. Along the way a new Pharaoh comes along that forgets about how Joesph, a Hebrew, saved his ancestors from the famine. Out of greed and, dare I say, God’s permission, this new Pharaoh enslaves the Hebrews and hatches a plan to control their population. A plan that puts the Hebrew Midwives into a crisis.

“Then the king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, one of whom was named Shiphrah and the other Puah, ‘When you serve as midwife to the Hebrew women and see them on the birthstool, if it is a son, you shall kill him, but if it is a daughter, she shall live.’” Exodus 1:15-16 ESV

A death sentence for all male Hebrew children and the Midwives are commanded to be the executioners of their own people. Imagine for a moment if you had to carry out these orders? Shiphrah and Puah are cornered by evil and it seems as if there is no way out. How much fear would that instill into you?

“But the midwives feared God and did not do as the king of Egypt commanded them, but let the male children live” Exodus 1:17 ESV

I LOVE that verse! Shiphrah and Puah have fear all right… it’s the fear of the Lord. They may have feared a madman mass murderer, they may have feared certain death but they’re fear of the Lord was far greater than anything that a puny human was going to throw at them. They chose life for others at risk of their own life. But that’s not the end of the story…

“So the king of Egypt called the midwives and said to them, ‘Why have you done this, and let the male children live?’ The midwives said to Pharaoh, ‘Because the Hebrew women are not like the Egyptian women, for they are vigorous and give birth before the midwife comes to them.’” Exodus 1:18-19 ESV

What the what!?

Did they just lie to trick the Pharaoh? I thought they feared the Lord? Even thought the Ten Commandments haven’t been written yet lying was certainly not something that God blessed was it? Jacob was a trickster and look at all the trouble it caused him (cf: Genesis 25-36)! Was God pleased with what they had told the Pharaoh?

“So God dealt well with the midwives. And the people multiplied and grew very strong. And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families.” Exodus 1:20-21 ESV

So let’s get this straight… The Pharaoh orders the Midwives to kill all the male Hebrew children as they are born, but because they fear the Lord they don’t do what the Pharaoh tells them to do. Then, when they are held accountable, they aren’t truthful and the Lord blesses them for it.

But I think we need to dig a little deeper…

The key here (as it is so many places in scripture, especially in the Old Testament) is to remember how powerful God is. If He created the universe could He not speed up the birthing process? The Pharaoh’s words indicated that they would “see them on the birthstool.” If the Hebrew woman’s labor is sped up by the Lord and they are off the birth stool and the baby is not in plain sight, haven’t the Midwives done what the Pharaoh has asked? It seems to me that they weren’t necessarily lying to the Pharaoh, the Lord just made it impossible to do the evil the Pharaoh wanted them to do. The Lord Delivered them from evil… Obviously that is a HUGE theme in Exodus, but it’s also a HUGE theme in all of scripture.

A second thing to consider is the consequences of their actions:

“And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families.” Exodus 1:21 ESV

It was their fear of God that yielded the blessing of a family. But it wasn’t just a blessing, it was a second deliverence… They were delivered from being a midwives because they became pregnant themselves and could not serve as midvies anymore. Again, the Lord Delivered them from evil… The Lord provided them an escape from doing what was wrong.

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV

Now let’s be careful and not misinterpret that verse. Temptation to do evil will come… it is a certainty… but when temptation comes God will provide THE way of escape… It’s to fear Him more than you fear yourself or others. When you are in the midst of a trial it is easy to be tempted to give up on the Lord’s way for a way that seems easier. When you’re at work and the dirty jokes start flying it’s easy to join in. When the latest celeb news and gossip pales in comparison to the gossip your are hearing about someone else it’s easy to keep listening. Maybe it’s fear of rejection, fear of being alone, maybe it’s fear of obscurity or just plain fear of others… whatever that fear is, it should never outweigh the fear, love and trust that you have in the Lord, who WILL deliver you from evil.

So the next time you’re having your own Midwife Crisis, (not if but when) and you are staring evil in the face… do not fear anything but the Lord.

P.S. To leave comments click on the Title at the top of this post.

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted a personal update but life has been busy and unpredictable. Hard to tell you all what’s going on when I don’t know what’s going on . You’ll also see that I did a little redesign on the look of the site. Everything is still here but I’m going to be expanding and adding stuff this year and I wanted to make some room. I liked the old theme cause it had 3 Columns but I’m also a big fan on cutting down on information overload so this new theme should work just fine.

Since I tend to be able to think better when I make lists here are few things I’d like to share with y’all:

1. I Will Be Moving At The Beginning Of February – For the past 12 months I have had the privilege of living in the Santa Clarita Valley. It’s had it’s ups and downs but it has been a great opportunity for me to be on my own and learn some important life lessons. I’ve had some great roommates and some great visitors but unfortunately our lease is up at the end of January and the rent is definitely going to be out of our price range. At this point neither of us know where we’re going to end up but suffice it to say we won’t end up on the street. There is a good possibility that I may end up back in my home town but my desire is to find a place in Burbank close to my church family.
2. I’m Finally Beginning To Settle On A Career Path - While the details are still blurry the broad strokes is that I’d like to end up in the world of Production or Post-Production. I know those don’t necessarily go hand in hand but at least it’s been narrowed down. Last year I had the privilege of helping out on some amazing short films and couple of Reality TV Shows. I’ve also had the privilege of editing some great projects last year as well and had an amazing time doing both. Despite the fact that the path I thought I was on 3 years ago has radically changed, being a part of the entertainment industry has always been a part of my path. The Lord has dropped so many opportunities in my lap but unfortunately I took them for granted. 2009 was a tough year stability wise with jobs and income being the biggest issues I wrestled with (compare that to 2008 when I lost everything in my life that meant something to me and it doesn’t seem that bad). I hope that this year the side projects and opportunities will be plentiful and will build a strong body of work to have as a resume for good jobs in the future. But I also know that with the way things are in the economy I’m going to have to work harder then I ever have to find the good ones.
3. God Has Slowly And Faithfully Been Healing Me - 2008 was the worst year of my life. I lost my Mom, my church family, my liberty and hope for a future. Trust me, that is no exaggeration. Sometime in the next 6 months all the details of what transpired in 2008 will come out, but for now please know that I see now that God was in control of it all. As a result, I spent most of 2009 coming to grips with my life being turned upside down and trying to cope with hurt, depression and pain that the Lord allowed. So many of you walked with me and my family through those trials and were faithful and point me to the Lord not matter what the circumstance. I apologize if I didn’t seem receptive, but just know that the Lord spoke through you no matter what my initial response to you might have been. For those of you who are strangers I hope that sharing my story will be an encouragement to you when (NOT IF) you walk through trials in your own life. The Lord allowed some unimaginable things, but He also allowed them for unimaginable reasons that are still being revealed to me daily. When I think back to where I was a year ago I marvel and the Lord’s goodness, faithfulness and trustworthiness, which was a key concept for me last year. I’ve had to learn some hard lessons the hard way, but the Lord has been there every step of the way.
4. God Has Given Me An Incredible New Church Family - When I began looking for a new church a little over a year ago I never thought that I’d find the love and support that I have found in Cornerstone Burbank. When I first started attending there I was a bump on the wall. I came, I didn’t talk, I left and had no meaningful relationships with anyone. At first it was very hard to get over the hurts that I experienced at my previous church, but slowly I saw that God was working in and through the folks in Burbank and I began to see first hand that those folks were the real deal. They submitted to Jesus. served others and loved them both. Through an amazing set of circumstances I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to be vulnerable and share with group about all the doubts and pain I had been experiencing since my Mom had passed away. The group overwhelmed me with love, prayer and sweet fellowship based on our common love for Jesus. It was something that had been missing from my life for over a year and the Lord has used to strengthen and encourage my heart. Since that night I have a church family that trusts me and that I trust as well. This year I hope that the Lord will continue to open up doors in the group where I can serve and be served, love and be loved.
5. God Has Been Drawing Me Closer To My Family - When my Mom passed away in June of 2008 I felt as if our family would never be whole again. That we would be forever scared and would never be a “family” again without her. Last October my Dad married an amazing woman named Cindy. In the months before and after the wedding my Sister and I have gotten to know her and I can honestly say that I consider her to be part of our family. She’s not a replacement for my Mom (as that is impossible) but she’s and addition to our family that has helped heal the wounds of loosing someone you love. She has experienced loss in her life and has been very sensitive and respectful of what my Sister and I have have been going through. She understands the ups and downs of grief which is a blessing from the Lord. This has also served to better my relationship with my Dad. We haven’t always seen eye-to-eye on everything (don’t get us started on politics!) but over the past year my Dad and I have been working though our issues in our hearts as well as our issues with each other. We are communicating better and most of all we enjoy spending time together. My Sister and I are also drawing closer together. We have a little joke between us that we’re always emotional opposites. When I’m having a hard time with something, she has peace about it. When my Sister is struggling to understand, I’m there to try and explain it to her. Considering the fact that these are major life issues we’ve been wrestling with I am so grateful that we can count on each other and that God has made us unique enough to support each other during the tough times. I can honestly say I look forward to our family get-togethers on the weekends and holidays.

-
Finally, over the next few months I’d like to start posting again on a regular basis. The biggest reason that I have haven’t been sharing here has been the things on my heart and mind involve matters that are private and involve other people. The Lord has seen fit to begin to heal those situations and is opening the door for a miraculous and amazing story about just how awesome God is and how powerful the Gospel is. My hope and prayer is that the things I share here will be an encouragement and blessing to those that read it and that unlike some of my posts last year, they will be uplifting to others and glorify the Lord.

I just want to thank you again for all of your love and support and prayers for my Aunt and my Family as we’ve been battling through these tough days.

My Aunt’s condition continues to improve and is being called a miracle by the hospital staff. A week ago today she was having uncontrolled seizures and today she is talking and communicating with us and wants to come home. To us, she’s back to her old self minus the fact that she won’t be able to talk for some time due to the muscle mass loss. Her Numerologists are scratching their heads wondering how she has been able to bounce back so quickly and so completely compared to several other patients they have been treating for months. We point them to the Great Physician every chance we get. The Doctors and Nurses have seen us praying over her every chance we get and are astounded by the fact that hundreds of people are waiting for updates so that they can pray too.

As my Aunt continues to get better it is very apparent that some things need to drastically change with her home care in order for her to stay well and get on the Kidney Transplant list. My Grandmother has done her best for the past 50+ years caring for her children and she can no longer do that on her own. For being 71 she’s tough and motivated, but her body is weak and needs rest. As a family we are praying through some tough options and we desperately need wisdom and guidance to make the right decisions with the best outcome. We’d appreciate your prayers for this as well.

You can also pray for patience for my Aunt and well as us. My Aunt is still coming down off the heavy sedation she was on and is having mood swings as well as other psychological side-effects from being in a coma for 4 days. Some of these are as simple as memory loss other are as complicated as misinterpreting what she is told and being upset or frustrated because she doesn’t understand. Once we get past this de-tox period it should be a smoother transition but right now it’s a challenge to communicate clearly with my Aunt.

Again, thank you all for your prayers and I will do my best to keep you updated.

Thanks,
Cliff Ames Jr.

Thank you all so much for your love and support. Your prayers are being answered:

1. I had a VERY safe trip from LA to NV with no traffic problems and very few people on the road. The weather was also beautiful and a reminder of God’s control over everything.

2. As soon as I arrived I was able to hug and cry with my Grandmother who feels overwhelmed by everything that is going on. She has been misplacing keys, phones and other important things that are necessary for her being able to function and take care of my Aunt. I have now been able to step in and get things organized for her and already the results are obvious. We were able to go to church together on Sunday and then go to lunch and talk about how she’s doing. We came up with a game plan and things are going better now that she has the support that she needs.

3. The Lord has been so good to me over the past few days. My roommates and some good friends were able to pray over me right as I got the news that I needed to leave and when I texted and emailed folks I received over a dozen responses filled with Christ’s love and the Scripture. The theme that keeps coming up over and over again is peace and I have been overwhelmed by it. My Grandmother’s Pastor preached on it Sunday and it has been leaping out at me from the verses I have been reading. Philippians of course is where I land a lot but the Psalms and Proverbs also have been rocking my world.

4. Because my Aunt is more stable than she was before my sister can now wait until Wednesday to come out here and not have to worry about flying or driving at the last minute. She can take her time planning the trip and will be supported along the way.

5. Here is the latest on my Aunt’s condition: She is in a medically induced coma in order to break the cycle of seizures that she has been having. She has NOT had a stroke that we know of and the Doctors are confident that the seizures can be controlled with medication. Although they can’t find the exact cause of the seizures they are confident that the cause is not life threatening and her condition is stable enough now for them to begin treating the underlying symptoms. Once they determine that the seizure cycle has been broken they will begin bringing her our of the coma in order to wake her up and see if any brain damage has occurred. They are fairly certain that there will be some damage but they are just as certain that some of it can be reduced with time, treatment and therapy. While all this has been going on my Aunt has been sedated and resting comfortably with no incidents.

6. The Doctors and Nurses from this latest hospital stay have been competent and very helpful in explaining what is going on. They are supportive and have responded to our concerns in a timely manner and truly care about my Aunts condition and progress. Both of the Doctors we saw yesterday explained everything clearly and were VERY honest even about the negative side of things. It’s not just hard to ask those kinds of questions, it’s hard to answer them as well.

On Behalf Of My Family,
Cliff Ames Jr.

In about 30 minutes I am going to be leaving to drive to Las Vegas, Nevada to be with my Aunt and Grandmother. My Aunt has been have repeated strokes for the past 48 hours and is getting worse by the hour. My Grandmother is very discouraged as she is loosing her other child only a year and half after loosing my Mom. She also beginning to be weakened physically and needs someone to be there for her and be emotionally and physically strong for her. For now that person needs to be me and so I would covet your prayers for many things.

1. Pray for a safe trip
2. Pray that God would strengthen and encourage my Grandmother
3. Pray that God would strengthen and equip me for this time of suffering and trial
4. Pray for my Sister’s safe trip when she is able to go out there sometime in the next 24-36 hours
5. Pray that God would grant rest and peace to my Aunt
6. Pray that I will be patient with the Doctors that are treating her

I’ll do my best to keep you updated via this Blog or viat my Twitter account which updates in the last column to the right.

On Behalf Of My Family,
Cliff Ames Jr.

1. My Aunt Has Been In And Out Of The Hospital.

My Mom (left) My Aunt (right) and My Great Grandma (bottom) in September of 2007

Over the past few years my Aunt’s health has seriously deteriorated culminating in the fact that she has spent more time in the hospital or rehab then she has spent at home. This has been especially hard on my Grandma who has been her sole caretaker during this time. They are both worn out and fatigued from all of these various trials but fortunately they have an amazing church family that has been supporting them and being a great example of what it means “be” the church rather than just “attend” church. Right now she is back in the hospital for many reasons but the bottom line is, if she is not able to recover and loose some additional weight and finally get a kidney transplant then she will not be with us here on earth much longer. My Aunt loves the Lord and is trusting Him, as is my Grandma, but she has been through so much pain and suffering that it would be a huge blessing if she were to be able to get a transplant but at the same time it is hard to see her suffer.

2. I Took A Short Sabbatical From Life

For a two and a half week period I packed up my stuff, took time off from my job and spent lots of time with my family. During this time I had the opportunity to connect and reconnect with close friends and family and was able to spend some time also reconnecting with the Lord. The former led to the latter because the people in my life that know me the best have always point me to the Lord no matter what the circumstances. Shortly before I took this sabbatical I was feeling depressed and overwhelmed by everything that the Lord had allowed to happen over the past two years. Not to mention the current pressures I was facing on all fronts I knew that I needed time to figure out what my life needed to look like in order to survive. In the end, like Dorothy, I had the ability to “go home” the whole time, but I needed to make the expedition down the yellow brick road before I could fully appreciate what being home meant. In other words I realized that my walk with the Lord had been crappy for quite some time and needed some drastic improvement. My friends and family directed me along the way and the Lord reminded me of His grace and forgiveness. I spent time in front of many fire pits just as Peter did in John 21.

3. I Edited A TV Show

One of my good friends is a TV Producer with lots of experience in Reality Programming. For some time now I have been able to help out in one way or another with various projects that he has had going over the years. I’ve assisted editors on many of these projects but never had the opportunity to actually BE the editor. Finally a project came along and I jumped at the opportunity to actually BE the editor this time. It was a lot of work, a lot of hours and a lot of Coffee Bean but it was worth it and I was just able to recently deliver the final elements of our pilot episode. We’ve already gotten word from our distributor that there is a lot of interest and will probably end up doing 5 more episodes. This show has also opened the door for other shows and in two days I am actually flying back east to help shoot a pilot for another show. Here is the link to a promo of the project on our distributor’s website.

4. My Sister And I Sang At My Dad’s Wedding

Not too long ago my Dad met someone on eharmony.com. They started dating and after several months he proposed to her and she accepted. For my Sister and I this was something that was totally different and somewhat unexpected at first. But the more we talked with our Dad and the more we got to know Cindy the more we knew that they loved each other and would do their best to take care of each other. When it came time to start making plans I knew that I wanted to be involved but I had no clue that I would end up be blessed enough to sing with my sister during the candle lighting and to also be the best man at my Dad’s wedding. Cindy has three kids of her own that are all married and two of them have kids. This means that I have gained a whole new step family and have also gained someone that isn’t going to replace my Mom, but is going to add to the love that I already receive from so many people in my life. I am so happy for them both and I love getting to spend time with them and my new family.

5. I Auditioned For And Was Accepted Into The Santa Clarita Master Chorale

Ever since my Mom was ushered into the loving arms of Jesus it has been hard for me to be active musically. Singing or playing an instrument publicly was just something I couldn’t bring myself to do after I sang and played at my Mom’s memorial service. There were many reasons for this but chief among them was that my Mom was so proud and blessed by the abilities that the Lord had given me that using those gifts with her not around just seemed like a waste of time. But over the past few months I have had a chance to heal and to realize that I miss music terribly. And so I began to ask the Lord to show some opportunities to me that would glorify Him and bless others. Along came the Santa Clarita Master Chorale. Because they are close to the community that I am part of I knew it would be easy and convenient to participate with them but I also knew that they were a VERY talented singing group and would be difficult to get into. After waiting several months for the audition period to begin I picked an audition song, practiced for hours and low and behold I got in! I can honestly say this is an amazing and diverse group and I look forward to singing with them for a long time to come.

There have been many other things going on as well but for now those are the things that I wanted to share with all of you. I hope to begin blogging more now that life isn’t so hectic or painful as it was this past year or so. I also hope to share some additional things that the Lord has been doing but now is not the right time. When it is you will be amazed by how awesome He is… I know I am amazed everyday by who He is and how much I love Him.

Last Thursday June 18th, 2009 fourteen people experienced the goodness, faithfulness and trustworthiness of God in a real and tangible way. On a day that should have been filled with sorrow, hopelessness and anger, God did what He does best: He redeemed the irredeemable. As we all gathered around and enjoyed a wonderful and filling meal, we had the opportunity to catch up on what has happened in each others lives this past year. God has done much and over the past year we have all become more fully devoted followers of Christ. This process of course has not been without trial, suffering or discomfort. In fact the majority of it took place as we attempted to fill the gaping whole in our life that my Mom left. Fortunately, it has been the Lord that has filled that gap and provided for our needs in ways we never could have imagined.

After the meal we all gathered in the living room and talked about the many memories we had of the Lord working in my Mom’s life. The more that was shared the more we all saw just how much the Lord used my Mom and even her illness, to teach us all to love Him more. We also talked about the various ways we had all been changed by the Lord’s work in my Mom’s life and the lessons that we learned from her faith in Christ. What stood out most to me was the various words that were used to describe who my Mom was: Forgiving, patient, generous, loyal, selfless, unconditional love, faithful… Going through that list it is easy to see that those are all attributes that my Mom learned from one place… the Lord Jesus Christ. The attributes that we will always remember about her belong also to that of her Savior. She was salt, light, a city on a hill and despite her illness, she reflected the Glory of God with everything that she had in her.

When it was all over, and we had stuffed ourselves with some amazing home-made desserts, I had to take a moment and step back and think about what had just happened. Instead of weeping with no hope, there were tears filled with the promise of a not to distant reunion. Instead of anger at God’s timing there was praise for 52 years that God allowed her to stay. Instead of crawling into a dark room, pulling the covers over our head and pretending that day didn’t exist, we embraced the trustworthiness, faithfulness and goodness of God in the life of His servant, my Mom. It was good to remember 2Timothy 4:7 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith” (ESV). I went to bed that night grateful for the amazing things that God had done that day, in light of what had happened a year ago that day: He had redeemed the irredeemable.

Now it is almost a week later and once again my family is faced with another challenge to remember and know that God is trustworthy, faithful and good. A few days ago my Mom’s sister (my Aunt Becky) was rushed to the hospital with severe pain in her stomach. While the doctors couldn’t immediately find the problem, we prayed and asked God to help them find the problem and come up with a solution to relieve her pain. You see shortly after my Mom’s death, my Aunt had a seizure and was hospitalized for over six months. In that time the doctors and nurses made many mistakes that almost cost my Aunt her life, and when all was said and done, they billed her and my Grandmother outrages sums of money for their mistakes. Over the past six months since my Aunt has been home from the hospital she has endured excruciating physical therapy, insurmountable financial challenges and sub-par medical care from people that should go to jail.

All of this, while she has patiently and quietly grieved for my Mom…

So today when we all found out that she was to have emergency surgery that would set her back to where she was six months ago it was hard to remember the Lord’s goodness. When the doctor came out and told us that my Aunt’s surgery had saved her life for now, rather than healed her permanently, it was hard to remember the Lord’s faithfulness. When I saw her there in the hospital bed with wires and tubes coming from everywhere, machines breathing for her, and barely conscious, it was hard to remember the Lord’s trustworthiness. But then something happened; I remember the Lord’s work in my Mom’s life. I remembered that she got her strength not from Muhammad, or Buddha or the Pope or some cosmic force. I remembered that she didn’t get her strength from reading a book, or rubbing some beads or taking some drug. I remembered “I can do all things through Him (Christ Jesus) who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13 ESV).

As I remembered that I prayed out loud:

“Father God thank You for this day and thank You for Your blessings. Lord help us to remember that You are good, that You are faithful and that You are trustworthy. God You have given us so much strength over the past few years, Lord we’re asking for just a little bit more. And God I believe that You are a never-ending supply of strength so give us what we need to get through this and Lord don’t let us forget where it comes from… Your Son Jesus Christ. In His good name we pray… Amen.”

Now I am at my Grandmother’s house, after having a large and boisterous meal with her and my Grandfather. Looking at us in that booth tonight you would have never known that we had just come from the Hospital or that my Grandmother and Grandfather had been divorced for longer than three decades. We stayed up until just a few hours ago talking and supporting each other. I feel blessed that they are both in my life and I am so grateful to “The Big General,” as my Grandpa calls Him, for all the time God has given me to spend with them, despite the circumstances under which we have met these past few years. It’s another reminder of God’s goodness, faithfulness and trustworthiness during this time of trial.

Your prayers for my Aunt are appreciated and I will do my best to update everyone via my Twitter page which links to my Facebook and to the box in the upper right column of this blog.

Today at 6:15pm my family and I will be observing a moment of silent prayer. It will mark the day and time one year ago that my Mom was ushered in the loving arms of Jesus. At times it feels like that day was a long time ago. But for the most part the feelings, thoughts and overwhelming grief of that day have lingered just beneath the surface as I have wandered through the past 365 days.

I have listened to countless sermons, read a few books, received cards, wept through emails and have had some wonderful people speak God’s truth into my life. All of it has helped on one way or another, but the words the thoughts and prayers will simply never be enough. I dare say that no earthly thing will ever be enough to heal my heart and make it whole.

If there is one small lesson, one short thought, one simple message that I have received loud and clear from God it’s this: “Life on this earth is temporary… and that’s the way it should be.” There is no reason for us to long to stay here on this fragile, fallen and failing earth longer than God’s plan for us.

I am reminded of Paul’s words to the Corinthians,

“For we know that if the tent, which is our earthly home, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.” 2 Corinthians 5:1-4 ESV

Try applying that passage to one whom you love and has been diagnosed with a senseless disease that will slowly take her life. Try applying that passage to the hours you spend on the phone with nurses and doctors at 2am only to hear them tell you there’s nothing more you can do. Try applying that as you attempt to say your final goodbyes, only to be interrupted by your loved one crying out in pain and having to be sedated with Morphine. Try applying that as you count the seconds in-between the labored breaths and come to grips with the debilitating reality that the gap is increasing with brutal regularity. Try applying that as you hold their hand for the last time and watch the life slowly slip from their eyes and the strength slip from their grasp and they take their last breath.

My friends, I can say with all honesty that I failed… I failed to remember the faithfulness, trustworthiness and goodness of God.

I failed to remember the faithful God that created the universe, clothed the naked refugees, parted the Red Sea and sustained an entire people group despite their disobedience and rebellion. I failed to remember the trustworthy God that Abraham trusted despite being asked to sacrifice his one and only son Isaac, that Zechariah trusted despite God’s silence for 400 years and that Stephen trusted his life too in the midst of a hostile crowd. I failed to remember the good God that changes people’s hearts, empowers forgiveness and provides for all our needs in His perfect timing.

I forgot God, even though God had not forgotten me…

Now, after the toughest year of my life, I feel as if I am starting to remember the Lord. The word Remember is used over 130 times in the Old Testament and the majority of the time God is commanding us to remember what HE has succeeded in doing, not what WE have failed to do. Over this past year I have been challenged to regain an eternal perspective and abandon my selfish and unrealistic notion that I have any reason to be faithful to, to trust or to find true joy in anything on this earth that is temporal. Instead, I am to place my hope, faith, trust and expectation of good on the God who has given His Son Jesus Christ as a ransom for my life.

I have a feeling that this is not something that happens in a year, nor should it take place in a short amount of time. In fact, I can, should and want to spend the rest of my life enjoying God and proclaiming His faithfulness, trustworthiness and goodness to others. The best part is that as of the time that I write this, my hope and faith and trust is better placed today than it was a year ago, which shows God’s faithfulness to sustain me, His trustworthiness to lead me where I can’t see and His goodness to provide me with everything I need to get through this day with my mind stayed on the Gospel.

Pray for not only for my family and me today, but pray for yourself. Pray that you will not forget God in your time of need and that you will remember his faithfulness, trustworthiness and goodness, especially in those moments when all of them seem to be so far away.

I think I can honestly say we should sing the following song…

“Some to Jesus I surrender
Some to Him I sort of give
I will sometimes love and trust Him
In His presence sometimes live

I surrender some
I surrender some
Some to You my blessed Savior
I surrender some”

Surrendering all to Jesus just hasn’t been difficult for me all of my life. With all the major changes He threw my way over the past year, it’s been even harder to let go and surrender everything to Him.

I trust myself, I rely on myself, I can take of myself, I know myself and I love myself. But I have trouble trusting God, relying on God, allowing God to take care of me, knowing God and loving God. The problem is, I will always fail and He will never fail. In recent conversations, I’ve come to realize that I am the one that has failed time and time again in many areas, but that God has never once failed me. Just because He allowed blessings for a time and then took them away, doesn’t mean He has failed.

I have a feeling that very few people could meaningfully sing the actual words to that song…

“All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to You my blessed Savior
I surrender all”

It’s hard to surrender. It’s hard to raise you hands to God in surrender when the whole world has been turned upside down and you feel like the only thing you’ve got going for you is gravity. Well guess what? Gravity… that’s God’s faithfulness. You think that breath you just took was something you did? Nope… Turns out that’s God’s faithfulness too. Have you tried to create a Solar System latley? Some of you can’t even creat an Excel Spreadsheet let alone a planet. So when the tough times come (not if but when) and you think you can go it alone and you don’t need to surrender to God, be prepared for a thumping. I can honestly say from my own experiences that surrender is the only option.

Too bad we don’t do it more often…

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

For the past 7 years September 11th has been a day that has caused many to pause and ponder the fragility of human life. As a nation we have never experienced grief of this magnitude since Pearl Harbor so many decades ago, still fresh in the minds of another generation. One day in the future, people of this generation will tell the next generation why this day was so pivotal in our lives. And, just as our generation did, they won’t understand it until the defining and pivotal moment comes in their lifetime.

What is so fascinating about a day like September 11th is the scale, the comprehensiveness and the universality of the grief it brought about.

First, almost 3,000 people died as a result of the direct attacks that day and over 3,000 more have given their lives in the ensuing war. That makes the total cost in human lives (from America alone) at over 6,000. Imagine for a moment if only two people knew each of the 6,000 people that have died and you have at least 18,000 that have died or were directly affected by those events. But the list doesn’t stop there. Each of those two people have a few friends and pretty soon the number of those who are only 1 person away from the tragedy has grown quite a bit. Add to that the number of people who saw the attacks, and have watched the coffins arrive live on TV and now you have millions of people that witnessed a traumatic life changing event. The scale of grief is overwhelming to think about.

Second, the grief takes on many shapes and fashions. There is the immediate grief caused by the death of a loved one. There is the empathetic grief that others feel toward those that are left behind. There is the fearful grief at the loss of our safety and security. There is the angry grief at the failure of leadership to prevent the attacks and their decision to implicate an innocent nation instead of getting the real bad guys. There is the survivors grief of those who escaped buildings, called in sick, missed flights or had a feeling to take a different route than normal. There is the spiritual grief for those that can’t piece together how a loving and caring God could allow such terrible things to happen to those He says He loves and to their families. There is the guilty grief that wishes they had said “I love you,” or had hugged someone or forgiven someone but never got the chance. There is the intellectual grief that causes people to crunch numbers and count statistics on how it was almost impossible for all the tumblers to fall into place and allow the devil himself to be unleashed. The comprehensiveness of the grief is also overwhelming to think about.

Third, all humans will face grief in its various and insidious forms. It may come in the form of cancer, or a hurricane, or a tornado or a weak levy, but most often it comes from you and me. That’s right everyone, look around, look in a mirror and you will find the main source of grief in all it’s gory glory. Mankind. If we’re not doing something to hurt ourselves, we’re probably doing something to hurt someone else. No one in this life can escape it from the moment they are conscious of themselves to the moment they take their last breath. All have tasted the grip of grief. All are shaped by it, most don’t understand it, some embrace it and few deny it. We all know what it’s like to loose someone, even if it is not death that separates us. Perhaps it’s time, perhaps it’s hurt perhaps it’s distance. Whatever it may be, we have all lost people we cared about. We also have felt the sting of defeat in the midst of a battle. Perhaps it’s a battle with a disease, perhaps it’s a battle with sin, perhaps it’s a battle with God. There is no way to overlook the battles we’ve all lost in one way or another. The universality of grief will always be overwhelming to think about.

So where does that leave us 7 years later?

7 years later we still grieve, 6,000 people are still dead and everyone has been changed by this one event for the rest of their lives here on earth. I can only think of one other event in history that has affected mankind in such a way. It is the eucatasrophe of the cross. Out of the grief, pain, loss and fear that came in the final moments of the cross, there came an event that turned a catasrophic event into a glorious moment of hope and strength for those that needed it the most. The Resurrection. From the rubble of a mountain shaped like a skull came the new, pure and glorified body of the One who had made it all to begin with. Such is the work that only someone like the God of the Bible can do. Only God can take the shattered and torn in heart, the broken and weary in faith, the lonely and grieving in spirit and bring about a sudden and complete reversal that undoes the power of grief and transforms it into joy. And only God can heal those who grieve.

I heard a story once that when Vince Lombardi first took over the Green Bay Packers he faced some real challenges. Legend has it that one day, out of frustration for their poor performance, he stopped practice and had all the players gather around him and a football. He is rumored to have told his his players, “This is a football. These are the yard markers. You are the players. I am the coach.” He then went on to explain each detail of the game of football as if they had never heard it before, not out of disrespect, but beause the players had forgotten the basics of the game and the ultimate goal.

Everyone in a while I think God stops practice, gathers us around and says, “This is a Bible. This is my Son. I am God. You are not.” God has a way of reminding us about the basics of what it means to be a follower of Christ. Usually that moment comes in the midst of a trial or failure when we need it the most. Sometimes it happens when everything seems to be going okay, and we feel like we’re at the top of our game. It’s easy to be deceived into thinking that things are going well, but it’s a big wake up call when The Coach has you on the bench because you’ve forgotten the basics. Maybe you even felt like you made a big play but He puts you on the bench anyways. Don’t forget, the basics: He’s God… you’re not. It’s all about playing the game for Him, not for yourself or your glory. And when you get back on the field, don’t go right back out there and forget the basics again, or it’ll be another lap in the wilderness for you.

Eventually we’ll learn the basics and we’ll never forget them. By that time we’ll have played many games. Lost some and won some. But no matter what the record may seem to be to you, The Coach still has a perfect season everytime. And at the end of the season you get a crown and a trophy to enjoy with The Coach for your retirement. You’ll be so banged up and bruised from the game you’ll look foward to the rest and the satisfaction of knowing that The Coach said, “Well done good and faithful player.”

So take some time this week to get back to the basics…

It’s about time I did.

Big Announcement #2: I Will Not Be Returning To The Master’s College

Okay so maybe I lulled you into a false sense of security when I made my first announcement but to be fair I did warn you a while back.

So yeah, this is a BIG announcement and I am going to do my best to explain the situation while maintaining the privacy I talked about last time.

Here goes…

1. It’s A Matter Of Character

Some time ago, a situation came about where I faced a major crisis that turned into a legal problem. The resolution of that legal problem called my character into question and left me picking up the pieces of my life 19 days after my Mom died. During the legal process I was unable to disclose the situation to TMC and when I could, there was little more than a month left before I was due to be back for SLS Retreat. Because of the timing, TMC felt it was best to exclude me for this school year (2008-2009) and reevaluate things next year.

2. It’s A Matter Of Cost

Even before my exclusion for 2008-2009, going to TMC was going to be a long term financial burden and was already a short-term financial strain. The death of my Mom further complicated things due to the fact that the lost income has put my family in a precarious situation. On top of that, I had to go into a considerable amount of debt due to the legal costs and would have no way to pay that back while going to TMC. The final problem is that there are classes that I’d have to take, in order to graduate in 2010, that are only being offered this year. Because they won’t be offered again until the 2010-2011 school year, and because of my age, finishing at TMC is neither wise nor feasible.

3. It’s A Matter Of Calling

When I first began at TMC, the goal was to learn the necessary tools to become a full-time Creative Arts Pastor and felt called to a career in the Church. However, that is no longer possible. As I faced the legal situation, I quickly started to reevaluate everything in my life and soon began to feel that going into ministry was no longer my calling and in all honesty, was no longer my desire. In addition, the Bible lays out some pretty strict guidelines for those that want to be in leadership in the church and I am confident that I no longer meet those guidelines, nor do I want to pursue them. I did not evaluate myself lightly but merely held my character and spiritual fortitude up to the lens of scripture and was convicted by the Holy Spirit that I was lacking.

——————

All that being said, here are some answers to a few questions I anticipate you may have:

1. Are you excluded from TMC campus or just enrolling in classes?

I am only excluded from attending classes, however I probably won’t be on-campus very much and if I am, it can only be on lower campus. Because I live and work within 40 miles of TMC, there will still be plenty of opportunities for me to see and hang out with the folks from TMC off-campus.

2. Does this mean you are not going to finish your degree?

Before my Mom died, I promised her that I would finish school, even if she wasn’t around for me to do so. At the time I couldn’t imagine facing school without her love and support, and although I still can’t imagine what that is going to be like, I intend to fulfill that promise to her.

3. If you’re going to finish, when will you go back?

Unfortunately, it was too late in the year to apply anywhere else for Fall 2008 so the earliest I’d start would be Spring 2009. However, there is a possibility that I may take a little bit longer to go back, while I figure out what kind of degree to pursue and the best place to pursue it.

4. Are you going to attend a Christian College?

In my opinion there is only one Christian College for me and it’s TMC. Although there are some great schools out there that emphasize Christ and Scripture, there is only one that preaches the Christ I know and teaches the Scripture I read and that is TMC. All that being said, when I go back it will more than likely be at a secular institution. There are many world-renown colleges and universities that offer competitive programs in the arts.

5. What career are you going to pursue now that you’re not going to be a Pastor?

Although my calling has defiantly been changed, I don’t think my gifts and talents have. I am still very interested in using the gifts I have in the arts as a springboard for a career in the arts, but it’s going to take some time to figure all that stuff out. However, no matter what my new major is going to be, I still have some Gen Ed to get out of the way, so I’ll probably start there.

I think that’ll do it for this post. If you have any questions or comments feel free to leave them here on the blog, or email me. I have a few more announcements to make so don’t let down your guard yet.

Big Announcement #1: This Will No Longer Be An Online Journal About Me

As someone who has been blogging and podcasting for three years it’s really easy to think that because you’ve lasted this long, your blog is the best blog in the world, especially if you don’t read a lot of other blogs. I can honestly say I do read a lot of blogs and I know what a good one looks like and this isn’t one. So here are a few reasons why the blog is changing:

1. Lack Of Regularity And Consistency

When I first started blogging the goal and purpose was to share what was going on in my life and to pass on some funny stories, articles, pictures and videos. When I began reading other blogs they all had regular weekly features like Mind Dumps, Bible Journeys and other recurring themes and so for a while I tried to adopted that style. The only feature that ever really lasted was my TMC Journal but that was less a feature about life as a TMC student and more just an extension of what was going on in my life. That being said, an online journal is cool and all, but you really don’t develop a following or a regular audience unless you’re consistent. I have been consistently inconsistent and as a result I have very few regular readers and more Googlers and Yahooers that are just passing by when a keyword or tag from my blog lands in their search results.

2. A Need To Protect My Privacy

I have been a very honest and open person ever since I became a Christian. I felt that instead of keeping the blessings and failures in my life a secret, I would be someone that was transparent and real with those around me. I believe that part of it was my personality and part of it was a need for attention. Every once in a while I’d go through a “crisis” and strategically point any and every conversation toward my troubles in order to gain sympathy and affection from my friends. As I began to get older and more mature people began confronting me about it and so it decreased less and less to where I simply had a small circle of people who knew “everything” about me and then had the general population that would get and honest answer to any question they asked me for the sake of authenticity. I’m not sure it was a bad idea but when you go through life being an open book and are suddenly faced with a real crisis which can’t be public knowledge you learn very quickly that sometimes there is a need for privacy and protecting the parts of who I am that have no business being shared with mere acquaintances.

3. Disclaimers Are Good Up To A Point

Early on in my bogging experience, I made some comments on a Podcast that got me in trouble. Comments that led a friend of mine to believe that I was talking about them and the organization that we were a part of. I immediately got an irate phone call from them demanding answers and it took me quite a while to explain that the comments were not directed at them or the organization and had to remove the portion of the Podcast where I made the comments. After a few similar incidents, I posted a disclaimer that helped folks understand that my opinions were my own and that they were not the onions of others unless they stated so on the blog. However, I think I missed the point in that initial confrontation. The problem was less about who I was representing, but was more about the fact that my comments were misinterpreted because they were not well thought out or carefully planned. And sometimes, no matter how carefully you word something, there will be those who misinterpret what you say and end up being offended.

4. You Are What You Blog

I have to say when I look back at all the posts for the past three years I have noticed a frightening trend. Since I began blogging 70% of my blogs have been written because I was depressed and the content and the tone reflected that. In other words, this blog is pretty depressing when you go back and look at all the stuff that I’ve written. It has been the most intense the past 1½ years due to my Mom’s cancer and subsequent death but if someone was to come along and read this, without knowing me, they’d probably think I was a pretty depressed and somber guy. For those of you who know me, you know that I have a sense of humor and laugh a lot and joke a lot, but you wouldn’t think that by reading this. If I really wanted this blog to be a place where I share my thoughts and what’s going on, I either did a terrible job, or my life really sucks (it could be both).

——————————

Here is what you can expect in Tales From The Yellow Brick Road 2.0:

1. More Consistency For The Sake Of Consistency

Over the next month or so I’m going to be trying out a few different styles and formats. I’ll warn you in advance it’s going to suck, but I hope that when the right one comes along you’ll email me and speak up. I want to find a genre of blogging and stick with it. Maybe it’ll be an entertainment review blog, maybe it will be a Bible verse blog maybe it will be a Wizard Of Oz trivia blog who knows. All I know is when I find the right format that is appealing to all you regulars, I’ll stick with it.

2. I’m Keeping Stuff On The Down Low

If you want to know what’s going on in my life and want to keep up with all the stuff going on, you’re gonna have to find another way besides this blog. From now on my personal life will be private. I’m not ruling out the possibility of having a journal, but from now on it’s not going to be available for all the world to see. One alternative to this will be my Twitter Feed that I will maintain and keep updated with short snippets of what’s up, but don’t expect any posts about me or my life that are more than 140 characters.

3. I Ain’t Representin’

My disclaimer still stands, but just know that I reserve the right at anytime to give honest assessments of public organizations that I may or may not be involved in and that other people may or may not be involved in. Unless I name someone by name don’t assume that I’m talking about anyone in particular. If I’m going to blog about something that is potentially “misinterpretable,” I’ll clear it through someone else first before I post it. Hopefully, the lack of personal content on my part will also help eliminate some of those misunderstandings.

4. This Blog Is Now Officially On Prozac

From now on my posts will go through an elaborate evaluation for depression related material. Any and all posts that are potentially depressing will go through a rigorous editing and sifting process. All of us know that sometimes the world can be persistent source of discouragement, however there’s no reason for me to make this blog a sob fest that tries to coax certain emotional responses from people. Some of this will be solved due to increased privacy but mostly, it’ll be a conscience decision to choose a less discouraging approach.

Well that’s it for now. More jaw-dropping announcements to come shortly… I figured I’d start with and obvious and easy one.

I just wanted to let you all know that I will be making a few announcements here on the blog over the next few weeks. Most of the announcements have to do with some major changes in my life that will definitely affect this blog, its content as well as it’s purpose and goal. I hope that sentence was vauge enough for you all to check back often over the next few weeks.

In the meantime, I want to take this opportunity now to thank you all for faithfully reading here day after day even when I don’t get around to posting for days at a time. For those of you who are newer, this is a great opportunity for you to bail out now… JUST KIDDING! This is actually a great time for you to get to know me better and to one day in the future say, “I remember when…”

I hope that over the next few weeks during this time of transition that all of you will stick around while things get revamped and retooled for this next stage of my life.

Psalm 34

1I will bless the LORD at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2My soul makes its boast in the LORD;
let the humble hear and be glad.
3Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
and let us exalt his name together!
4I sought the LORD, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
5Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
6 This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.

8Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
9Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!
10 The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

11 Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 What man is there who desires life
and loves many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Turn away from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
16 The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
18The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.

19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the LORD delivers him out of them all.
20He keeps all his bones;
not one of them is broken.
21 Affliction will slay the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
22The LORD redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.
-(ESV)

For those that are thinking right now, “Well Cliff you have to realize it’s all because of the fall in Genesis 3,” I’d like to remind you that I do believe that God created the earth and it’s inhabitants in 7 days and that He created everything good, and that eventually mankind screwed up and we now live in a fallen world as a result. I know that and I believe it, but while you’re patting yourself on the back for remembering the correct Sunday School answer, don’t forget about Verse 15 of Genesis Chapter 3.

“15I will put enmity between you and the woman,
and between your offspring and her offspring;
he shall bruise your head,
and you shall bruise his heel.”
-Genesis 3:15 (ESV)

You should also remember from Sunday School, that Verse 15 promises the coming of Jesus who brings hope for eternal life. So let’s not make all of Genesis 3 the “scapegoat” for evil in the world. Genesis 3:15 is a glimmer of hope in the midst of the greatest disaster in human history.

And so here I am in the midst of the greatest disaster in my own history and I’m having a hard time finding that glimmer of hope. You see several years ago me and a few of my Christian friends in Florida had a running “joke” about what life was like at the end if a particularly hard day. We use to say, “Well… at least I still have my salvation.” Although it was a joke at the time, nothing that I or those other friends of mine had been through really put that statement to the test. That is until recently in my life.

Another friend of mine made a shocking and sobering statement to me last night. We were discussing my current trial and he reminded me of Romans 8:28.

28And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
-Romans 8:28 (ESV)

He then asked me if there was a time limit on that verse…

to which I responded no…

and then I realized the cold hard truth…

God promises that if I love Him and am called according to His purpose that all things will work together for my good…

but God can do so whenever He wants to…

meaning that God doesn’t have to work things together for good while I’m here on this earth…

And so in the midst of the firestorm that I have been facing, and the trial that I am about to face, I’m left with nothing but a handful of promises in Scripture that don’t have to be fulfilled until heaven. And I’m left thinking to myself, “Well… at least I still have my salvation…” but is that enough? Do I have enough faith to trust God to make all the injustices, loss and pain here on earth worthwhile when I get to heaven?

You see I am greatful my friend also graciously pointed out that perhaps the glimmer of hope in all of this is that I have an eternity with Jesus to look foward to. Sure it’ll be great to be reunited with my Mom and my other friends and family that are enjoying God’s presence, but my problem in all of this is has been that I haven’t longed for heaven enough. I’ve been too consumed and wrapped up with my “best life now” to realize that the best is yet to come.

So pray that I’ll repent of my unbelief and be more content about living the next life, rather than being consumed with my desire for fulfillment in this life.

If you have any comments, questions of cries of outrage feel free to respond… I’m looking for more guidance and encouragement from Godly people such as yourselves.

Hope you’re not offended by the word Thug but then again you committed a crime and broke into my car so I don’t really care if you are offended or not. Oh yeah and… YOU FORGOT THE RADIO MORON!

Something tells me that you’re not too bright. Perhaps you should have taken my $200 flashlight so that next time you can see better, but it seems you left that behind too.

Maybe you had your $75 headphones on and were distracted by the loud music playing in your empty head. That would explain why you left my iPhone headphones behind after you went through my glove compartment.

But maybe, just maybe the thing you should have taken was my $150 police scanner.

Because when the cops use the fingerprints you left in my car (and you did leave some) to find you and hunt you down, you’re going to wish you had some warning to run from the SWAT team that kicks down your door, uses a flash-bang grenade to make your ears ring and your eyes blind. And I hope when they shove you to the ground like the scum you are you’ll think, “Why would they go to all this trouble when I didn’t take anything?”

Because you did take something from me. You took away my sense of security and safty. True, I live in the ghetto and the likleyhood that you live in the ghetto too is very high. But you chose the wrong white-guy to attack last night. Because when the SWAT team carries you out of that house I’ll be there with the $3000 camera that you left in my trunk to put your incompentant, ugly face all over the news so that when your thug friends bail you out with their crack money, you’re Mom will beat you silly like she should have done when you were younger.

Oh and if you’re thinking about coming back to my hood and back to my car and trying again, you better hope and pray the posse I’ve rounded up doesn’t catch you.

Normally I like to wait for the official story and direct quote from the source, but I wanted to blog about this while it was still fresh in my mind. Some of you may have heard that Barak Obama “resigned” from his church this weekend. In the circles I run in most people don’t really resign from a church, they leave the church. In fact, not to long ago a friend of mine had this to say about folks leaving the church. Hundreds of blog posts and articles have been written about the reasons people leave a church. I think for Barack Obama it came down to two main issues.

First, Obama left the church because the presidential campaign began interfering with the church’s ability to function. Dozen’s of calls each day, as well as parishioners being harassed by the media turned the place into a circus. The attention shifted from what the church should be doing, to containing the firestorms that kept erupting every time Obama commented about his faith or the church.

Second, Obama left the church because the former pastor’s words, as well as the words spoken by current speakers, were erroneously attributed to his ideaology and message. Obama repeatdly shared with his critics that not everything that was said from the pulpit in the church lined up with his point of view, or how he believes the country should be run. The most damaging statemtents that were frustrating to Obama were the various racist statements that were made by his former pastor. I’d like to add the the most inflamatory statments made by the former pastor were made after the pastor retired from the chruch and had moved on.

This brings up an interesting conundrum.

First, in our day to day lives we represent the chruch we go to. At work, at school, at home and online if you have a church that you call home you are representing it in one way or another. Most people think that their behavior should only be above repraoch if they are in leadership or work for the chruch. But I think Jesus would disagree. Granted, their are folks in the chruch that have issues of sin that may haunt them and plage them throughout their Christian walk, and thus they are not fit for leadership. However, I’m talking about the average person that regularly attends the same chruch, gives of their time, talent and treasures to the church and yet their life outside of church is lived differently. Perhaps even worse, is when churches ignore immoral behavior and continue to allow someone to represent their chruch and in turn represent Christ, despite their actions.

Second, in it’s words and actions the church represents us. When a church ignores poverty, allows unrepentant sin to continue and preaches a message contrary to the Gospel, it reflects on who you are as a church-goer. Is it okay to stay at a church that allows women to be pastors, practicing homosexuals to serve and preaching pastors to subvert and dillute the Gospel? What about something not so obvious… like a preaching pastor that denies a 7-day literal creation? Or an Elder board that allows baptism and communion to happen only when it is convienant to the worship schedule? Or Deacons and Deaconesses to spend more time gossiping during their prayer meetings than serving the needs of the body? When do the actions of your church cross the line and begin to reflect poorly on you?

I know for Obama, he was VERY patient and VERY careful not to leave and abandon his church at the first sign of controversy. From the beginning Obama was very clear that the chruch was very important to him and that he had willingly overlooked the faults of the past, as well as the words and actions of his foremer pastor. Obama made it clear that he was a part of the chruch, but that he had his own individual ideas and thoughts when it came to running the country. Obama only left AFTER a guest speaker had made sarcastic remarks about one of his rivals in the campaign, which we all know is something a speaker has no business doing from the pulpit. I am sure it was a tough decision for Obama and his family, but I believe it was the right one. Hopefully the church will learn from it’s mistakes be able to recover from the firestorm and hopefully Obama will be able to find a new church that will allow him worship his Creator in a slightly less controversial environment.

The biggest reason I am unable to speak freely about this is due to the fact that this trial involves other people whom you the reader may be acquainted with. As a result, sharing the details at this point in time would be inappropriate. However, in the next few weeks, there may come a point where I will need to make a statement regarding what is going on. And when I do, I want you to be prepared. What I have to tell you is very serious and very disturbing on so many levels. It will shock you. It will anger you. It will scare you. It will definitely change you.

So start praying. In fact, for the next 3 weeks, you need to be praying hard. Specifically, you can pray that the trial would no longer be magnified by the actions of others. I honestly wish I could be more specific, but God knows all the details and when you pray that prayer these next few weeks, rest assured that the Holy Spirit will translate eveything perfectly. When it is appropriate I will be more specific in the request, so check back often for updates.

Here is a link to a recording* that was done for the TV Show “Life” on NBC. It only has the first and last verse but it’s a great version and a very pretty voice.

“Sweet Hour Of Prayer”
Words: William Walford

Music: William B. Bradbury

-

Sweet hour of prayer! sweet hour of prayer!
that calls me from a world of care,
and bids me at my Father’s throne
make all my wants and wishes known.
In seasons of distress and grief,
my soul has often found relief,
and oft escaped the tempter’s snare
by thy return, sweet hour of prayer!

-

Sweet hour of prayer! sweet hour of prayer!
the joys I feel, the bliss I share
of those whose anxious spirits burn
with strong desires for thy return!
With such I hasten to the place
where God my Savior shows his face,
and gladly take my station there,
and wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer!

-

Sweet hour of prayer! sweet hour of prayer!
thy wings shall my petition bear
to him whose truth and faithfulness
engage the waiting soul to bless.
And since he bids me seek his face,
believe his word, and trust his grace,
I’ll cast on him my every care,
and wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer!

*LINK FIXED

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now watch this follow up…

Click here to view the embedded video.

I personally know a lot of churches that would not have this type of response if their stuff got stolen. A church with millions of dollars in assets, a large congregation, a large staff and nice piece of property probably wouldn’t take the approach that Kinetic Church is taking. They’d probably call the police, get a posse together and, when they found the culprits, would prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law. No mercy, no grace, no unconditional love. There would be meetings, and meetings about meetings and the church would make sure that the culprits paid for their sin. Because isn’t that their job? Shouldn’t the church be the judge and jury for the sinners in this world?

I bet the leaders in one of those big churches would watch a video about a church like this and laugh long and loud, “How could they invite those sinners into their church after something like that?” Those leaders are probably angry saying, “We’ve got to teach people a lesson that they can’t just steal from the church and get away with it!” Those leaders are probably fighting the urge to call up Dave Milam and let him know just how foolish he is for turning the other cheek.

Then again there are probably some smaller churches, with a shoestring budget, one or two staff members and a group of overworked, under-appreciated volunteers. They get it… they know what it’s like to hope and pray that you get to stay in the same building each week. They know what it’s like wondering how the rent will get paid. They know what it’s like to scrimp and save just so they can afford to have the equipment necessary to get their church up and running each week. They know what it’s like to rely on God to run the church. The leaders of those churches are probably grateful it didn’t happen to them, but they are also grateful for what they have. The leaders of those churches aren’t shocked that a Pastor would offer those that wronged them an invitation to church. The leaders of those churches know that if the church can’t show the love of Christ, no one else will.

Over the next few weeks as my Mom transitions to this “last” option we will need your prayers, we will need your support and most of all we will need the Lord’s guidance and peace. Hopefully in the next few weeks we’ll be setting up a website that will be updated regularly by our family and will be able to keep you posted on how things are going. As soon as it’s ready I’ll let you know.

I want to close with one last thought. In 1 Samuel 7 the prophet Samuel has called the Israelites back to the Lord after they had been disobedient. Despite the bad circumstances and the bleak outlook for the future Samuel does something incredible.

“Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, ‘ ‘Till now the LORD has helped us.’”
- 1 Samuel 7:12 (ESV)

Although my Mom’s illness is not God’s punishment for sin, nor is it consequences of sinful behavior, our broken messy world and our frail earthly bodies are all subject to the consequences of the fall in the garden. Thank God for His Son Jesus Christ, who was sent to put enmity between us and the Accuser, to pay for our sin, to Rise again, conquering over death Hell and the grave, and to Ascend into Heaven so we know that our eternal hope is secure.

God has brought us this far, He is not going to let us go.

Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can withstand the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks to come. We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check. We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we’ve been told that we’re not ready, or that we shouldn’t try, or that we can’t, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people.

Yes we can.

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom through the darkest of nights.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

And so tomorrow, as we take this campaign South and West; as we learn that the struggles of the textile worker in Spartanburg are not so different than the plight of the dishwasher in Las Vegas; that the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in America’s story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea

Yes…

We…

Can…

-Barack Obama January 8th, 2008, New Hampshire.

I don’t care what your political affiliation is or what person you think should be the next president. That speech is the kind of speech that brings tears to my eyes. That is the kind of speech that gives me hope that things can change. That is the kind of speech I want to write for someone someday.

And any time I’m tempted to give in, or quit or turn away from the path that I know is right… I’m going to remember this speech. I’m going to remember this speech and add to it the original thought from the scriptures that I love so much…

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.

-Hebrews 12:1-3 (Emphasis Added)

I’m sure the author here was familiar with Isaiah 40

28Have you not known? Have you not heard?The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

-Isaiah 40:28-31 (Emphasis Added)

These past few months have been very difficult for many reasons. God has seen fit to allow The Accuser to persecute me in unbelievable ways. I must admit I have had a hard time standing up under these trials. For many years I’ve had James Chapter 1 memorized where James writes concerning trials and wisdom. I have been overwhelmed by one and lacking the other.

I hope that those of you who read my blog (whether it be friend or foe) will take a minute to remember that I am only a human. I am an imperfect human struggling to be free of sin. Over the next few months I know that my life will be radically changing and I know that as a result I will be less Christ-like than I should be. I know that I will not be able to treat all of you in a manner that best honors our friendship, nor in a manner that best honors Christ. I know that the stress and the strain will get to me on some days and I will be tempted and fall.

But can we get through it?

Yes we can… with God’s help…

What will you say when I ask you to stand beside me even though you’ve heard terrible things about me that are not true?

Yes I can… with God’s help…

What will you believe when you’re ready to give up on me?

Yes he can… with God’s help…

And someday when I’m gone and you are asked if I glorified God in the face of persecution I hope you will say:

Yes he did… with God’s help…

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Don’t you hate it when you know certain people read your blog and you want to write about them. But you know if you write about them they will know that you are writing about them because if you say, “My friend Stan…” they know you really mean “My friend Sam….” So it’s frustrating.

Or what about a situation where you have a crush someone and you begin to describe them and how they act and all of a sudden the person reading it knows that you are talking about them because you describe an a specific incident, or place or a phrase that they used and it made you lovesick. I think it’s against the rules to find out someone has a crush on you through their blog.

Or what about someone that doesn’t like you. Chances are they won’t read your blog right afterwards it’ll be later when they think, “I wonder if he blogged about me?” And sure enough there is this 500 word post on how you had a fight with a “friend” and of course you call them all sorts of names (except their real name of course) but any person that reads it (especially the friend) knows exactly what happened and who you are talking about.

You can get in all sorts of trouble for the words you use on your blog. I have to admit sometimes it’s tempting when something happens to just lay the whole thing out there for everyone to see and know about. Tell your side of the story and get the truth out there at any cost because it’s your blog and your loyal faithful readers (all 3 of them) deserve to know what is going on so that they can leave their comments of support. And so that your adversary knows that you are not going to take all of this lying down.

But then again there is something in scripture that amazes me. When Jesus stands falsely accused before Caiaphas, the Synoptic Gospels record that Jesus, for the most part, was silent before His accusers (Matthew 26:57-68; Mark 14:53-65; Luke 22:54-71). The only thing He told them was that the Son of Man would be seated in Power. All Jesus does is gives glory to God. He doesn’t argue, He doesn’t fight, He doesn’t threaten them, He doesn’t vaporize them… He is silent except to Praise His Father.

Which reminds me of Job 40. Job has questioned God on a number of occasions and throughout the whole process God does not answer except to glorify His name. When Job finally “gets it” he says:

4″Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
5I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
twice, but I will proceed no further.”

-Job 40:4-5

I realize that words are powerful. A favorite song of mine from a musical called Into The Woods says, “Careful the things you say, Children will listen.” Of course I think the Bible says it best:

1 A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.

-Proverbs 15:1

Not only are words powerful, they can’t be undone. There is no “do over,” no second chance, no time travel to go back in time and say something over again. And so I am learning about silence. I am learning that there is no need to lash out to my adversaries with words. I am learning that if I do speak it should be with God’s glory in mind.

I am learning how to be silent.*

Shall I Attempt To Speak (mp3)
Shall I Attempt To Speak (PDF)

*It’s time for another blogging break. Not sure how long this one will last. Check back often.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

I’ve recently rediscovered my love for Middle Earth and all things Tolkien. I’ve made it a habit to watch the Lord Of The Rings films once a year and to read the book at least once every other year. I’ve been watching the films lately, as well as all the Appendices and have enjoyed going back in time with Peter Jackson and his crew. I think there are some things in the book and in the films that have impacted me significantly over the years so I’ve decided to add a feature to the blog where I share with you some things I’ve enjoyed from various stories in Middle Earth.

Today’s moment comes from the film version of The Two Towers. Toward the end Sam yanks Frodo out of the clutches of the Nazgul just before Frodo is attacked. Frodo, having been seduced by the ring more and more, attacks Sam. When Frodo realizes what he’s done he drops his weapon and tells Sam, “I can’t do this anymore…” Sam’s reply is amazing.

SAM: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something.

FRODO: What are we holding on to, Sam?

SAM: That there is some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

Apt words for times like these…

________

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT COLLAPSES?

“This is a man with a history of duty and patriotism. Not as punch lines, but as core beliefs. Some people don’t know what to do when their belief system collapses. – Colonel Issac Johnson, Shooter

I actually hit rewind when Danny Glover’s character said this and listened to him say it again. It caused me pause. I reflected on so many examples that affect our world because of that reality. Some people don’t know what to do when their belief system collapses.

A core belief is something we accept as true, without question, without argument. Running in the background at such a discreet level, we are usually not even aware it is there. Many times our sense of reality can get so tied up, polarized and distorted it is almost impossible to see which beliefs are working and which are holding us back.

• People believe their work is their identity. What happens when that systems collapses?
• People believe they are worth something because of their accomplishments. What happens when that system collapses?
• Culture teaches us to not to show emotion, look like you have it all together and self-medicate to cope. What happens when that system collapses?
• People believe that our loved ones won’t disappoint us. What happens when that system collapses?
• Media tells us to accelerate sexuality. What happens when that system collapses?
• People believe if they are a good person, everything even outs in the end. What happens when that belief system collapses?
• Churches make promises they can’t possibly keep. Become a Christian and your troubles will go away…your daughter will be healed…your marriage will be saved…your addiction to alcohol will end…your struggles with loneliness and depression will be replaced with overwhelming joy…What happens when that belief system collapses?
• We believe if we go to church, stay married and attend church as a family, our children won’t radically rebel and hate us as teenagers. What happens when that belief system collapses?
• Expectations can be a belief system. But, then what we think is going to happen, doesn’t. What happens when that belief system collapses?

Why do I give my life to what I do? Not because I don’t have trouble. Not because I never mess up. Not because I think I’m better than everybody else. Not because I have all the answers. Not because the Church doesn’t disappoint me. And, not because I don’t ever have unhealthy belief systems.

I give my life to what I do because I know Jesus is the only hope when a belief system collapses.

But I’ll take the hand of those who don’t know the way, who can’t see where they’re going.
I’ll be a personal guide to them, directing them through unknown country.
I’ll be right there to show them what roads to take, make sure they don’t fall into the ditch.
These are the things I’ll be doing for them—sticking with them, not leaving them for a minute.” Isaiah 42:16 (The Message)

________

I wanted to share this article with you because I am asking all of you who read my blog to pray. Pray for a miracle. Pray for deliverence. Pray for healing. Pray for the comforting of the Holy Spirit. And most of all pray for God’s will.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password: