A few days ago I received an email and found out that some one I knew took his own life this week. Most people would say they “committed” suicide and I’m not sure I’ve understood that term. Perhaps it has something to do with the term “committed” homicide but whatever. I can honestly say I’ve never understood why someone would kill themselves. What drives someone to slit their wrists, put a gun to their head, drive off a cliff or hang themselves? One could say that life is so bad for them here on earth that they can’t take it and decide to stop the pain. It bothered me so much and as I coped to understand why this person killed themselves I also felt an enormous weight for what their family was going through. That weight was so strong that I decided to go and visit the family, not only to seek some answers, but also to offer comfort.

I know that this individual was not a Christian and felt that the same was true for their family but I couldn’t resist the Holy Spirit compelling me to go and talk to them. So today I grabbed my Bible and instead of going to church I went to his parent’s house. Last night, this morning and on my way over I just kept praying over and over again that the Lord would give me the right words to say and that they would be His words. When arrived at the house I said one more quick prayer and walked up and knocked on the door.

After almost a minute of waiting I knocked again, a little harder. No response. I was puzzled… why had the Lord compelled me to come over here if there wasn’t anyone home? As usual my impatience was brought to light as I turned to walk back to my car and saw another car pull into the driveway. A man and a woman in their forties got out and looked me over. I must have looked pretty strange, Bible in hand and walking away from the front door and so I told them my name and said, “I knew your son, and wanted to talk to you if I could.” The awkward silence was deafening and the woman started to tear up.

The man said, “Sure. Come on in.”

As we walked into the house the woman excused herself and walked quickly up the stairs. The man said to me, “Would you like a drink?”

I said, “No thanks.”

He pointed to a couch in the living room and said,  “Have a seat while I get myself something.”

I sat a long leather couch that faced a large HD TV. Two other chairs were positioned facing the 52” behemoth and I began to look around. On several walls were family photos. Most of them had my friend in them along with his parents, his sister and several other folks that were probably his extended family and relatives. As I continued to look around the woman came down the stairs holding several things in her hand. Two of them were black, three-ringed binders that have silver and white writing all over them. The third object was a small black Moleskine journal that had a pen sticking out of it. She asked, “Would you like something to drink?” repeating it with almost the same inflection as her husband.

I said “No thanks.”

She said, “How did you know John?”

I told her how I had knew him and how long I had knew him and added that I had always fun when I was around him.

She smiled and said, “John was always that way. Fun to be around, life of the party. He loved singing and writing music.” As she talked the man walked in and sat in the other chair that occupied a small space next to a big bright window. In his hand was a glass of amber liquid with several ice cubes in it. As he sipped from the glass he looked at his wife, tension in his eyes and neck. “Looking back you’d never think that he was so sad inside,” she said, tears starting to fill her eyes again.

The man grabbed a small Kleenex box from the table closest to him and passed it to the woman. She took the box and placed it in her lap on top of the binders and journal. He looked at me, “So what did you want to talk about?”

I took a deep breath and said, “Actually sir, I was hoping to find out if there was anything you needed. If there was anything I could do to help. I know that may sound ridiculous at a time like this, but I’ve been through a lot of pain myself recently, and I’ve learned a few things along the way. I’m not a shrink or anything but I was John’s friend and I want to help in any way I can.”

The man stared at me. His wife looked down at the floor. “We called some of his other friends. To tell them what happened. They all freaked out. None of them wanted to talk to us. Our daughter…” The word caught in his throat. He took a breath and large swallow from his glass, ice cubes crashing back down to the almost empty glass. “Our daughter left and is with my Mother. They all blame us.”

“We loved John,” the woman said, starting to cry harder. “We always tried to do everything we could to make him happy. But he hated us. He blamed us whenever something went wrong. He said we were sabotaging his life ever since he was born.” She pulled more Kleenex out of the box and pressed them hard against her face. Her husband looked on with pity and tenderness in his face.

I said, “I’m so sorry Mrs. Smith. If this is too hard for you right now, I can come back after some time has passed.”

Her husband looked at me and said, “No, please stay. This is only going to get harder for us and right now you’re the only person who’s shown any interest in our son. We’re both just a little emotional right now. We probably need to talk about all this because it might help. No one else will listen to us right now.” He turned to his wife, “Do you want some water hon?”

She said, “No thanks.” She looked up and me and said, “I just don’t understand why you’re being so nice to us, when everyone else is treating us like scum.”

I took a deep breath and said, “Well to be honest, John never mentioned any of those things to me. And even if he had, everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. If i can help just a little bit by listening to you and what you have to say then it’s worth it for us to have a blank slate. Does that make sense?”

The man nodded and looked back at his wife again. “Right now we could use a blank slate. Right now we both wish we could go back in time and do things differently.”

I write all that because over the past few months my love for music has been reawakened. From the ashes of loosing everything important to me 3 years ago has come the most intense period of songwriting I’ve ever experienced. In the past 3 months I’ve written 4 different completed songs, penned at least 7 lyrics and about 5 different melodies and sketches for future songs.

I’ve heard dozens of artists talk about pain and loss being the best catalyst for some of their best work and I think I’m seeing that played out in my life right now. That’s not to say what I’ve created has been remotely related to the events in my life that are acting as the fuel. In fact I tend to stay away from expressing those events in any way through the medium of music. Music is something I love so much is as if those events would poison and corrupt the beauty of the process. They may be stoking the fire but the end product is so far removed from those feelings the two seem unrelated.

Right now I have been collaborating with my good friend Rachel to help her produce a demo record to advance her musical career. She has so much talent and potential and so much talent that I can’t wait to see what is in store for her. Once that project is finished I plan to take a week or so of from work and other commitments to work on an album of my own. It will be a compilation of mostly original songs with one or two covers thrown in to bring it to full length. From there I plan to sing and peddle those songs at coffee houses, bars and street corners.

Until all that happens I have been blessed to have the opportunity to occasionally lead musical worship at my new home church, City Life Church in Burbank. It’s something that I once vowed I’d never return to and I am so glad that I’ve broken it. God has freed me from the bondage of fearing man and has infused me with a fear and awe of Jesus. Therefore I am free to worship and to lead others in worship as well.

One final thought I’d like to share with you all is regarding this blog. I’m still struggling with the fine line between sharing my thoughts and privacy. The result has been fear and lack of posting and sharing. Having spent some time “on the bench” from blogging I’m slowly going to put my self back in the game in hopes that I find that balance through trial and error. All that is to say I hope you’ll be checking back more often as I hope to be doing the same.

Grief has has paid an unwelcome and unexpected visit…

These past few years May, June and July have been tough months but going forward it seems they will be tougher. The grief that has now visited the lives of others in close proximity to me is the same grief that I thought I had won over and my heart is heavy.

My heart is heavy because grief steals and shakes your confidence. My heart is heavy because grief is long lasting and ironically never truly dies. My heart is heavy because it doesn’t take much to remember the grief that stopped my life for a time and now it has stopped the lives of others whom I love and care about. The stabbing sensation just above your stomach and below your chest that produces sobs of anguish and emotional upheaval has now made it’s entrance into the hearts of dear friends and I hurt for them.

Thankfully God has constantly reminded me that Jesus wasn’t immune from grief and sorrow. Isaiah 53:3 says, “He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.” (ESV emphasis mine). When Lazarus died Jesus wept. The Garden of Gethsemane was no picnic either. Jesus literally bled with grief and sorrow that night. I take comfort in the fact that our Saviour and the one who set the example for us in this race that we call life, did not ignore His grief, condemn His grief or live for His grief.

What a loving and gracious God to send us His Son to set the example that grief is okay and is a part of life here on this broken, messy and jacked up earth. God could have said grief was a sin and then where would be? Instead, He allowed Lazarus to die in order to bring glory to Himself through His Son Jesus’s grief.

I can rest in Jesus, trust Jesus, love Jesus and serve Jesus during my grief knowing that “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” (2 Corinthians 5:21 ESV) and knowing that The Father and the Son both grieved over that event.

This weekend I am facing a choice point.

I have to decide between two paths to follow. Neither path seems to have drastic drawbacks and neither of them seem to have burly benefits. One has more short term gain but no guarantee of long term endurance. The other will more than likely pay off in the long run but there will be some sacrifice in the short term.

In some respects it’s like the game of chess. For example, a player that develops his pieces early and attacks often may have the upper hand for the short term. There’s always a chance that it will pay off in the long run, but most of the time the early attacks can loose tempo midway through the game because every attack risks your pieces and leaves your own King without protection. The short term gains just don’t pay off sometimes.

On the flip side there’s the motto that “Inch by inch life is a cinch… Yard by yard it’s very, very hard.” Much has been written, blogged (and yelled at me) about the value of “Delayed Gratification.” In the game of chess a patient player will develop his pieces at the right time, protect the King first and then strategize about a well-thought-out plan of attack. There are no accidental moves as everything is choreographed to win the game through persistence and dedication.

Two approaches and both have their pros and cons. In the game of chess a really good player can turn either strategy into a victory and a poor player will fail either way. It seems to me that the key is not which strategy works or doesn’t works, it’s the quality of the player behind the game.

Unfortunately in the chess game of life I haven’t exactly been a strong player. I have a lot of losses in my playbook and very few wins. Under pressure I loose perspective and commit blunders of epic proportions and end up with my King cornered and running scared. When I win it’s usually not anything that I’ve done, it’s usually because my opponent was worse at the game than me. There are rare occasions where some plan of mine pays off and I am able to execute it and play a good endgame, but those times are far and few between.

So when it comes to making decisions, I hesitate to act on my own. I have to think through everything, get input from others and then forge ahead hoping that the decision I make will turn out okay. My preference is to have God back me into a corner and force me onto one particular path and eliminate the x-factor that is my weak human flesh. However, God’s will is not always very clear, especially when it comes to choosing between things that aren’t outright sinful or wrong.

When I am faced with a choice between right and wrong, I know the difference between the two very well and so my choice boils down to pleasing God, or pleasing myself. When I choose to please God I do the right thing and when I choose to please myself I do the wrong thing. But how to make a choice between two thing that are neither right nor wrong, especially when God is being silent about His will?

I think the answer may lie in a verse or two that have come to mind as I try to navigate through the decision making process:

[33] But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
-Matthew 6:33 ESV

[31] So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
-1 Corinthians 10:31 ESV

[12] I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. [13] I can do all things through Him (Christ Jesus) who strengthens me.
-Philippians 4:12-13 ESV

First, I have to seek God first and foremost. Whether or not I receive a clear answer about which path to take, whatever decision I make I have to seek the Lord first. That involves lots of prayer and patience. Prayer for clear direction but also patience to let things happen in God’s timing. Even when it may seem that the decision is coming down to the wire, God can still act to intervene in circumstances.

Second, not matter what I do, I MUST glorify God doing it. If one of the choices will allow me to glorify God better than other the I MUST pursue the path that gives God greater glory. If there doesn’t appear to be a path that greater glorifies God then the path chosen should be explored and dissected for every opportunity to glorify God.

Third, throughout the decision making process and especially after the decision is made, I need to be content in Christ alone. Because I am a follow of Christ, the decisions I make have no bearing whatsoever on my salvation because ultimately Christ’s work on the cross is sufficient for that. Whether or not the decision works out, my salvation is built on The Solid Rock of Christ and not the fleeting pros and cons of this world. My perspective should be that no matter what path I choose and no matter what the outcome of that choice, I will be secure in my salvation and therefore I can endure I can rejoice in the times of need just I can rejoice in the times of plenty.

So I hope over the next week or two you’ll be praying for the decisions that lie ahead for me. I also hope that you’ll be praying for the decisions that you will face in all due time.

When I read the Bible I am struck over and over again by the stories of people who were called by God to suffer.

Think about it…

From Cover to Cover there are countless stories of God’s people suffering and then God using those times in ways they could never imagine. There is even a whole section of Hebrews that is devoted to those who were called to suffer and lived by faith. Their stories serve as a reminder to us that while we are here on earth, we will be called to suffer. The greatest example of all is of course Jesus, who suffered so much that he sweat drops of blood before anyone had ever laid a hand on Him. If you’ve ever wondered if God can use suffering for His glory and for the redemption of mankind, you need look no further than example of suffering in Jesus Christ.

Over the past few years we have all been through a lot. We’ve lost loved ones, we’ve lost battles with evil, we’ve seen a groaning earth rumble and shake cities to the ground and we’ve probably all experienced some difficult financial times as well. For while, when I was in the heat of battle, I became very blind to the suffering of others. I was so consumed and wrapped up in what was going on with me, that I forgot about my fellow man. Yes, the firestorm and trials were very real and the pain was legitimate, but I turned a blind eye to those enduring unspeakable pain and suffering… God did not intend for us to suffer that way.

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be contacting some of you and sharing some things that God has put on my heart. God has burdened me with a message that has changed my life. It’s the message of what the Gospel looks like when those of us who have been called to follow Christ are called to suffer. I’m also going to be contacting some of you and asking you to share your story about times when the Lord has called you to suffer. Some of you have been through some very difficult trials in your life and when I look at your life now, I can see how the Lord has shaped you a molded you because of that call to suffer.

If the Lord wills, the end result will be a resource, or set of resources, that will offer an alternative to our current view of what it means to suffer for the Lord. For now this project is entitled “The Call Of Suffering. The goal of these resources is to reshape and renew our minds when it comes to the topic of suffering in the life of a true follower of Christ. The reason for these resources is that during our times of suffering, it can be hard to understand our relationship with God. We fail to realize that a call to follow Christ, is a call of suffering in Christ. Today, most followers of Christ view suffering as unwanted, undeserved and unfair. However a careful and diligent study of God’s Word produces the constant theme of God calling His followers and even His only Son to suffer. In these resources, we’ll take a look at various instances in the Bible where God has called His people to suffer. We’ll also hear from and explore some present day examples of followers that God has called to suffer. Finally, we will fix our gaze on Jesus, who was called to suffer for the glory of His Father.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.” Hebrews 12:1-3 (ESV)

Over the next few weeks I look forward to meetings and phone conversations with you as we learn about The Call Of Suffering.

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I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted a personal update but life has been busy and unpredictable. Hard to tell you all what’s going on when I don’t know what’s going on . You’ll also see that I did a little redesign on the look of the site. Everything is still here but I’m going to be expanding and adding stuff this year and I wanted to make some room. I liked the old theme cause it had 3 Columns but I’m also a big fan on cutting down on information overload so this new theme should work just fine.

Since I tend to be able to think better when I make lists here are few things I’d like to share with y’all:

1. I Will Be Moving At The Beginning Of February – For the past 12 months I have had the privilege of living in the Santa Clarita Valley. It’s had it’s ups and downs but it has been a great opportunity for me to be on my own and learn some important life lessons. I’ve had some great roommates and some great visitors but unfortunately our lease is up at the end of January and the rent is definitely going to be out of our price range. At this point neither of us know where we’re going to end up but suffice it to say we won’t end up on the street. There is a good possibility that I may end up back in my home town but my desire is to find a place in Burbank close to my church family.
2. I’m Finally Beginning To Settle On A Career Path - While the details are still blurry the broad strokes is that I’d like to end up in the world of Production or Post-Production. I know those don’t necessarily go hand in hand but at least it’s been narrowed down. Last year I had the privilege of helping out on some amazing short films and couple of Reality TV Shows. I’ve also had the privilege of editing some great projects last year as well and had an amazing time doing both. Despite the fact that the path I thought I was on 3 years ago has radically changed, being a part of the entertainment industry has always been a part of my path. The Lord has dropped so many opportunities in my lap but unfortunately I took them for granted. 2009 was a tough year stability wise with jobs and income being the biggest issues I wrestled with (compare that to 2008 when I lost everything in my life that meant something to me and it doesn’t seem that bad). I hope that this year the side projects and opportunities will be plentiful and will build a strong body of work to have as a resume for good jobs in the future. But I also know that with the way things are in the economy I’m going to have to work harder then I ever have to find the good ones.
3. God Has Slowly And Faithfully Been Healing Me - 2008 was the worst year of my life. I lost my Mom, my church family, my liberty and hope for a future. Trust me, that is no exaggeration. Sometime in the next 6 months all the details of what transpired in 2008 will come out, but for now please know that I see now that God was in control of it all. As a result, I spent most of 2009 coming to grips with my life being turned upside down and trying to cope with hurt, depression and pain that the Lord allowed. So many of you walked with me and my family through those trials and were faithful and point me to the Lord not matter what the circumstance. I apologize if I didn’t seem receptive, but just know that the Lord spoke through you no matter what my initial response to you might have been. For those of you who are strangers I hope that sharing my story will be an encouragement to you when (NOT IF) you walk through trials in your own life. The Lord allowed some unimaginable things, but He also allowed them for unimaginable reasons that are still being revealed to me daily. When I think back to where I was a year ago I marvel and the Lord’s goodness, faithfulness and trustworthiness, which was a key concept for me last year. I’ve had to learn some hard lessons the hard way, but the Lord has been there every step of the way.
4. God Has Given Me An Incredible New Church Family - When I began looking for a new church a little over a year ago I never thought that I’d find the love and support that I have found in Cornerstone Burbank. When I first started attending there I was a bump on the wall. I came, I didn’t talk, I left and had no meaningful relationships with anyone. At first it was very hard to get over the hurts that I experienced at my previous church, but slowly I saw that God was working in and through the folks in Burbank and I began to see first hand that those folks were the real deal. They submitted to Jesus. served others and loved them both. Through an amazing set of circumstances I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to be vulnerable and share with group about all the doubts and pain I had been experiencing since my Mom had passed away. The group overwhelmed me with love, prayer and sweet fellowship based on our common love for Jesus. It was something that had been missing from my life for over a year and the Lord has used to strengthen and encourage my heart. Since that night I have a church family that trusts me and that I trust as well. This year I hope that the Lord will continue to open up doors in the group where I can serve and be served, love and be loved.
5. God Has Been Drawing Me Closer To My Family - When my Mom passed away in June of 2008 I felt as if our family would never be whole again. That we would be forever scared and would never be a “family” again without her. Last October my Dad married an amazing woman named Cindy. In the months before and after the wedding my Sister and I have gotten to know her and I can honestly say that I consider her to be part of our family. She’s not a replacement for my Mom (as that is impossible) but she’s and addition to our family that has helped heal the wounds of loosing someone you love. She has experienced loss in her life and has been very sensitive and respectful of what my Sister and I have have been going through. She understands the ups and downs of grief which is a blessing from the Lord. This has also served to better my relationship with my Dad. We haven’t always seen eye-to-eye on everything (don’t get us started on politics!) but over the past year my Dad and I have been working though our issues in our hearts as well as our issues with each other. We are communicating better and most of all we enjoy spending time together. My Sister and I are also drawing closer together. We have a little joke between us that we’re always emotional opposites. When I’m having a hard time with something, she has peace about it. When my Sister is struggling to understand, I’m there to try and explain it to her. Considering the fact that these are major life issues we’ve been wrestling with I am so grateful that we can count on each other and that God has made us unique enough to support each other during the tough times. I can honestly say I look forward to our family get-togethers on the weekends and holidays.

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Finally, over the next few months I’d like to start posting again on a regular basis. The biggest reason that I have haven’t been sharing here has been the things on my heart and mind involve matters that are private and involve other people. The Lord has seen fit to begin to heal those situations and is opening the door for a miraculous and amazing story about just how awesome God is and how powerful the Gospel is. My hope and prayer is that the things I share here will be an encouragement and blessing to those that read it and that unlike some of my posts last year, they will be uplifting to others and glorify the Lord.

1. My Aunt Has Been In And Out Of The Hospital.

My Mom (left) My Aunt (right) and My Great Grandma (bottom) in September of 2007

Over the past few years my Aunt’s health has seriously deteriorated culminating in the fact that she has spent more time in the hospital or rehab then she has spent at home. This has been especially hard on my Grandma who has been her sole caretaker during this time. They are both worn out and fatigued from all of these various trials but fortunately they have an amazing church family that has been supporting them and being a great example of what it means “be” the church rather than just “attend” church. Right now she is back in the hospital for many reasons but the bottom line is, if she is not able to recover and loose some additional weight and finally get a kidney transplant then she will not be with us here on earth much longer. My Aunt loves the Lord and is trusting Him, as is my Grandma, but she has been through so much pain and suffering that it would be a huge blessing if she were to be able to get a transplant but at the same time it is hard to see her suffer.

2. I Took A Short Sabbatical From Life

For a two and a half week period I packed up my stuff, took time off from my job and spent lots of time with my family. During this time I had the opportunity to connect and reconnect with close friends and family and was able to spend some time also reconnecting with the Lord. The former led to the latter because the people in my life that know me the best have always point me to the Lord no matter what the circumstances. Shortly before I took this sabbatical I was feeling depressed and overwhelmed by everything that the Lord had allowed to happen over the past two years. Not to mention the current pressures I was facing on all fronts I knew that I needed time to figure out what my life needed to look like in order to survive. In the end, like Dorothy, I had the ability to “go home” the whole time, but I needed to make the expedition down the yellow brick road before I could fully appreciate what being home meant. In other words I realized that my walk with the Lord had been crappy for quite some time and needed some drastic improvement. My friends and family directed me along the way and the Lord reminded me of His grace and forgiveness. I spent time in front of many fire pits just as Peter did in John 21.

3. I Edited A TV Show

One of my good friends is a TV Producer with lots of experience in Reality Programming. For some time now I have been able to help out in one way or another with various projects that he has had going over the years. I’ve assisted editors on many of these projects but never had the opportunity to actually BE the editor. Finally a project came along and I jumped at the opportunity to actually BE the editor this time. It was a lot of work, a lot of hours and a lot of Coffee Bean but it was worth it and I was just able to recently deliver the final elements of our pilot episode. We’ve already gotten word from our distributor that there is a lot of interest and will probably end up doing 5 more episodes. This show has also opened the door for other shows and in two days I am actually flying back east to help shoot a pilot for another show. Here is the link to a promo of the project on our distributor’s website.

4. My Sister And I Sang At My Dad’s Wedding

Not too long ago my Dad met someone on eharmony.com. They started dating and after several months he proposed to her and she accepted. For my Sister and I this was something that was totally different and somewhat unexpected at first. But the more we talked with our Dad and the more we got to know Cindy the more we knew that they loved each other and would do their best to take care of each other. When it came time to start making plans I knew that I wanted to be involved but I had no clue that I would end up be blessed enough to sing with my sister during the candle lighting and to also be the best man at my Dad’s wedding. Cindy has three kids of her own that are all married and two of them have kids. This means that I have gained a whole new step family and have also gained someone that isn’t going to replace my Mom, but is going to add to the love that I already receive from so many people in my life. I am so happy for them both and I love getting to spend time with them and my new family.

5. I Auditioned For And Was Accepted Into The Santa Clarita Master Chorale

Ever since my Mom was ushered into the loving arms of Jesus it has been hard for me to be active musically. Singing or playing an instrument publicly was just something I couldn’t bring myself to do after I sang and played at my Mom’s memorial service. There were many reasons for this but chief among them was that my Mom was so proud and blessed by the abilities that the Lord had given me that using those gifts with her not around just seemed like a waste of time. But over the past few months I have had a chance to heal and to realize that I miss music terribly. And so I began to ask the Lord to show some opportunities to me that would glorify Him and bless others. Along came the Santa Clarita Master Chorale. Because they are close to the community that I am part of I knew it would be easy and convenient to participate with them but I also knew that they were a VERY talented singing group and would be difficult to get into. After waiting several months for the audition period to begin I picked an audition song, practiced for hours and low and behold I got in! I can honestly say this is an amazing and diverse group and I look forward to singing with them for a long time to come.

There have been many other things going on as well but for now those are the things that I wanted to share with all of you. I hope to begin blogging more now that life isn’t so hectic or painful as it was this past year or so. I also hope to share some additional things that the Lord has been doing but now is not the right time. When it is you will be amazed by how awesome He is… I know I am amazed everyday by who He is and how much I love Him.

Last Thursday June 18th, 2009 fourteen people experienced the goodness, faithfulness and trustworthiness of God in a real and tangible way. On a day that should have been filled with sorrow, hopelessness and anger, God did what He does best: He redeemed the irredeemable. As we all gathered around and enjoyed a wonderful and filling meal, we had the opportunity to catch up on what has happened in each others lives this past year. God has done much and over the past year we have all become more fully devoted followers of Christ. This process of course has not been without trial, suffering or discomfort. In fact the majority of it took place as we attempted to fill the gaping whole in our life that my Mom left. Fortunately, it has been the Lord that has filled that gap and provided for our needs in ways we never could have imagined.

After the meal we all gathered in the living room and talked about the many memories we had of the Lord working in my Mom’s life. The more that was shared the more we all saw just how much the Lord used my Mom and even her illness, to teach us all to love Him more. We also talked about the various ways we had all been changed by the Lord’s work in my Mom’s life and the lessons that we learned from her faith in Christ. What stood out most to me was the various words that were used to describe who my Mom was: Forgiving, patient, generous, loyal, selfless, unconditional love, faithful… Going through that list it is easy to see that those are all attributes that my Mom learned from one place… the Lord Jesus Christ. The attributes that we will always remember about her belong also to that of her Savior. She was salt, light, a city on a hill and despite her illness, she reflected the Glory of God with everything that she had in her.

When it was all over, and we had stuffed ourselves with some amazing home-made desserts, I had to take a moment and step back and think about what had just happened. Instead of weeping with no hope, there were tears filled with the promise of a not to distant reunion. Instead of anger at God’s timing there was praise for 52 years that God allowed her to stay. Instead of crawling into a dark room, pulling the covers over our head and pretending that day didn’t exist, we embraced the trustworthiness, faithfulness and goodness of God in the life of His servant, my Mom. It was good to remember 2Timothy 4:7 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith” (ESV). I went to bed that night grateful for the amazing things that God had done that day, in light of what had happened a year ago that day: He had redeemed the irredeemable.

Now it is almost a week later and once again my family is faced with another challenge to remember and know that God is trustworthy, faithful and good. A few days ago my Mom’s sister (my Aunt Becky) was rushed to the hospital with severe pain in her stomach. While the doctors couldn’t immediately find the problem, we prayed and asked God to help them find the problem and come up with a solution to relieve her pain. You see shortly after my Mom’s death, my Aunt had a seizure and was hospitalized for over six months. In that time the doctors and nurses made many mistakes that almost cost my Aunt her life, and when all was said and done, they billed her and my Grandmother outrages sums of money for their mistakes. Over the past six months since my Aunt has been home from the hospital she has endured excruciating physical therapy, insurmountable financial challenges and sub-par medical care from people that should go to jail.

All of this, while she has patiently and quietly grieved for my Mom…

So today when we all found out that she was to have emergency surgery that would set her back to where she was six months ago it was hard to remember the Lord’s goodness. When the doctor came out and told us that my Aunt’s surgery had saved her life for now, rather than healed her permanently, it was hard to remember the Lord’s faithfulness. When I saw her there in the hospital bed with wires and tubes coming from everywhere, machines breathing for her, and barely conscious, it was hard to remember the Lord’s trustworthiness. But then something happened; I remember the Lord’s work in my Mom’s life. I remembered that she got her strength not from Muhammad, or Buddha or the Pope or some cosmic force. I remembered that she didn’t get her strength from reading a book, or rubbing some beads or taking some drug. I remembered “I can do all things through Him (Christ Jesus) who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13 ESV).

As I remembered that I prayed out loud:

“Father God thank You for this day and thank You for Your blessings. Lord help us to remember that You are good, that You are faithful and that You are trustworthy. God You have given us so much strength over the past few years, Lord we’re asking for just a little bit more. And God I believe that You are a never-ending supply of strength so give us what we need to get through this and Lord don’t let us forget where it comes from… Your Son Jesus Christ. In His good name we pray… Amen.”

Now I am at my Grandmother’s house, after having a large and boisterous meal with her and my Grandfather. Looking at us in that booth tonight you would have never known that we had just come from the Hospital or that my Grandmother and Grandfather had been divorced for longer than three decades. We stayed up until just a few hours ago talking and supporting each other. I feel blessed that they are both in my life and I am so grateful to “The Big General,” as my Grandpa calls Him, for all the time God has given me to spend with them, despite the circumstances under which we have met these past few years. It’s another reminder of God’s goodness, faithfulness and trustworthiness during this time of trial.

Your prayers for my Aunt are appreciated and I will do my best to update everyone via my Twitter page which links to my Facebook and to the box in the upper right column of this blog.

Today at 6:15pm my family and I will be observing a moment of silent prayer. It will mark the day and time one year ago that my Mom was ushered in the loving arms of Jesus. At times it feels like that day was a long time ago. But for the most part the feelings, thoughts and overwhelming grief of that day have lingered just beneath the surface as I have wandered through the past 365 days.

I have listened to countless sermons, read a few books, received cards, wept through emails and have had some wonderful people speak God’s truth into my life. All of it has helped on one way or another, but the words the thoughts and prayers will simply never be enough. I dare say that no earthly thing will ever be enough to heal my heart and make it whole.

If there is one small lesson, one short thought, one simple message that I have received loud and clear from God it’s this: “Life on this earth is temporary… and that’s the way it should be.” There is no reason for us to long to stay here on this fragile, fallen and failing earth longer than God’s plan for us.

I am reminded of Paul’s words to the Corinthians,

“For we know that if the tent, which is our earthly home, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.” 2 Corinthians 5:1-4 ESV

Try applying that passage to one whom you love and has been diagnosed with a senseless disease that will slowly take her life. Try applying that passage to the hours you spend on the phone with nurses and doctors at 2am only to hear them tell you there’s nothing more you can do. Try applying that as you attempt to say your final goodbyes, only to be interrupted by your loved one crying out in pain and having to be sedated with Morphine. Try applying that as you count the seconds in-between the labored breaths and come to grips with the debilitating reality that the gap is increasing with brutal regularity. Try applying that as you hold their hand for the last time and watch the life slowly slip from their eyes and the strength slip from their grasp and they take their last breath.

My friends, I can say with all honesty that I failed… I failed to remember the faithfulness, trustworthiness and goodness of God.

I failed to remember the faithful God that created the universe, clothed the naked refugees, parted the Red Sea and sustained an entire people group despite their disobedience and rebellion. I failed to remember the trustworthy God that Abraham trusted despite being asked to sacrifice his one and only son Isaac, that Zechariah trusted despite God’s silence for 400 years and that Stephen trusted his life too in the midst of a hostile crowd. I failed to remember the good God that changes people’s hearts, empowers forgiveness and provides for all our needs in His perfect timing.

I forgot God, even though God had not forgotten me…

Now, after the toughest year of my life, I feel as if I am starting to remember the Lord. The word Remember is used over 130 times in the Old Testament and the majority of the time God is commanding us to remember what HE has succeeded in doing, not what WE have failed to do. Over this past year I have been challenged to regain an eternal perspective and abandon my selfish and unrealistic notion that I have any reason to be faithful to, to trust or to find true joy in anything on this earth that is temporal. Instead, I am to place my hope, faith, trust and expectation of good on the God who has given His Son Jesus Christ as a ransom for my life.

I have a feeling that this is not something that happens in a year, nor should it take place in a short amount of time. In fact, I can, should and want to spend the rest of my life enjoying God and proclaiming His faithfulness, trustworthiness and goodness to others. The best part is that as of the time that I write this, my hope and faith and trust is better placed today than it was a year ago, which shows God’s faithfulness to sustain me, His trustworthiness to lead me where I can’t see and His goodness to provide me with everything I need to get through this day with my mind stayed on the Gospel.

Pray for not only for my family and me today, but pray for yourself. Pray that you will not forget God in your time of need and that you will remember his faithfulness, trustworthiness and goodness, especially in those moments when all of them seem to be so far away.

The biggest reason I am unable to speak freely about this is due to the fact that this trial involves other people whom you the reader may be acquainted with. As a result, sharing the details at this point in time would be inappropriate. However, in the next few weeks, there may come a point where I will need to make a statement regarding what is going on. And when I do, I want you to be prepared. What I have to tell you is very serious and very disturbing on so many levels. It will shock you. It will anger you. It will scare you. It will definitely change you.

So start praying. In fact, for the next 3 weeks, you need to be praying hard. Specifically, you can pray that the trial would no longer be magnified by the actions of others. I honestly wish I could be more specific, but God knows all the details and when you pray that prayer these next few weeks, rest assured that the Holy Spirit will translate eveything perfectly. When it is appropriate I will be more specific in the request, so check back often for updates.