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I write all that because over the past few months my love for music has been reawakened. From the ashes of loosing everything important to me 3 years ago has come the most intense period of songwriting I’ve ever experienced. In the past 3 months I’ve written 4 different completed songs, penned at least 7 lyrics and about 5 different melodies and sketches for future songs.

I’ve heard dozens of artists talk about pain and loss being the best catalyst for some of their best work and I think I’m seeing that played out in my life right now. That’s not to say what I’ve created has been remotely related to the events in my life that are acting as the fuel. In fact I tend to stay away from expressing those events in any way through the medium of music. Music is something I love so much is as if those events would poison and corrupt the beauty of the process. They may be stoking the fire but the end product is so far removed from those feelings the two seem unrelated.

Right now I have been collaborating with my good friend Rachel to help her produce a demo record to advance her musical career. She has so much talent and potential and so much talent that I can’t wait to see what is in store for her. Once that project is finished I plan to take a week or so of from work and other commitments to work on an album of my own. It will be a compilation of mostly original songs with one or two covers thrown in to bring it to full length. From there I plan to sing and peddle those songs at coffee houses, bars and street corners.

Until all that happens I have been blessed to have the opportunity to occasionally lead musical worship at my new home church, City Life Church in Burbank. It’s something that I once vowed I’d never return to and I am so glad that I’ve broken it. God has freed me from the bondage of fearing man and has infused me with a fear and awe of Jesus. Therefore I am free to worship and to lead others in worship as well.

One final thought I’d like to share with you all is regarding this blog. I’m still struggling with the fine line between sharing my thoughts and privacy. The result has been fear and lack of posting and sharing. Having spent some time “on the bench” from blogging I’m slowly going to put my self back in the game in hopes that I find that balance through trial and error. All that is to say I hope you’ll be checking back more often as I hope to be doing the same.

So here goes…

MY SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED!

After what seems like a million years my sister and her boyfriend are now engaged to be married! This guy called to ask my permission and before he even had the words out of his mouth I said yes and gave my enthusiastic blessing! God has done amazing things in their relationship and it is so evident that He is the center of their lives both as individuals and as a couple. I am so excited for the both of them and can’t wait to help make their wedding an amazing day!

I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!

After what also seems like a million years I will now be back on the path to finish my BA Degree in Communications. I have enrolled at Regent University in Virginia via their Online Campus. As many of you know I made a promise to my Mom before she was ushered into the Loving Arms of Jesus that no matter what happened with her that I would finish my degree. One of my core requirements for this to happen was not to go into any additional debt. Through my current employer I will likely qualify for full tuition reimbursement for almost all of my classes. I am so grateful for the Lord’s provision to make that promise to my Mom a reality!

DNR MUSIC HAS BEEN “REVIVED”!

Some of you may not know but back in 2004 I and a few friends got together for the purposes of creating, playing and producing music. We called ourselves “DNR” standing for “Do Not Revive” tying into the idea that this earth is not our home and that ultimately that if faced with the decision to be “revived” into our frail earthly body or to be with Jesus forever the choice would be “Do Not Revive”. That being said, over the past few months I have been rearranging and reproducing our songs to finally put together a record to be release sometime at the beginning of next year. In the midst of that I have also teamed up the Rachel Hayes to help her produce a demo record to be release in October. Not only is she blessed with mountains of talent but she is like minded in being a light and missionary in the mainstream music industry.

I AM OFFICIALLY PART OF ANOTHER CHURCH PLANT!

In September of 2008 I started meeting with a guy named Mike Mixon. At the time he was the leader of a small group from Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley. After meeting with him for a while for Biblical Council and Discipleship, he invited me to be a part of his small group. On Wednesday nights we’d get together with about 10 other people in his cramped one bedroom apartment that he and his VERY pregnant wife were renting and on Sunday’s we’d trek out to Simi Valley to worship with the rest of Cornerstone. Around this same time Cornerstone was rethinking the difference between “going to church” and “being the church”. It took a while but eventually Mike and the Elders at Cornerstone realized that our group could better serve and worship Jesus and serve and love our community if we met as a church where we all lived and worked. To make a long story short we went from that small group of 10 people in a living room to a larger group of 50-60 people meeting in a small drama theater in the heart of Burbank each Sunday to raise the volume of praise in our city and in the world. And so a few weeks ago we officially became City Life Church Burbank. Right now I have the privilege of serving each and every Sunday on the Audio/Video Team and occasionally on the Musical Worship Team. When I first talked with Mike almost 3 years ago I never imagined that I would be doing either of those things much less be part of something as exciting as a church plant.

Well that about wraps up the updates thus far. There are a few more things on the horizon that may be update worthy but until they are here and finalized I’ll leave you all with this passage that has been crushing my fears and raising my hopes.

“10And the LORD restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before. 11Then came to him all his brothers and sisters and all who had known him before, and ate bread with him in his house. And they showed him sympathy and comforted him for all the evil that the LORD had brought upon him. And each of them gave him a piece of money and a ring of gold. 12And the LORD blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning. And he had 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 yoke of oxen, and 1,000 female donkeys. 13He had also seven sons and three daughters. 14And he called the name of the first daughter Jemimah, and the name of the second Keziah, and the name of the third Keren-happuch. 15And in all the land there were no women so beautiful as Job’s daughters. And their father gave them an inheritance among their brothers. 16And after this Job lived 140 years, and saw his sons, and his sons’ sons, four generations. 17And Job died, an old man, and full of days.” Job 42:10-17 (ESV)

Grief has has paid an unwelcome and unexpected visit…

These past few years May, June and July have been tough months but going forward it seems they will be tougher. The grief that has now visited the lives of others in close proximity to me is the same grief that I thought I had won over and my heart is heavy.

My heart is heavy because grief steals and shakes your confidence. My heart is heavy because grief is long lasting and ironically never truly dies. My heart is heavy because it doesn’t take much to remember the grief that stopped my life for a time and now it has stopped the lives of others whom I love and care about. The stabbing sensation just above your stomach and below your chest that produces sobs of anguish and emotional upheaval has now made it’s entrance into the hearts of dear friends and I hurt for them.

Thankfully God has constantly reminded me that Jesus wasn’t immune from grief and sorrow. Isaiah 53:3 says, “He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.” (ESV emphasis mine). When Lazarus died Jesus wept. The Garden of Gethsemane was no picnic either. Jesus literally bled with grief and sorrow that night. I take comfort in the fact that our Saviour and the one who set the example for us in this race that we call life, did not ignore His grief, condemn His grief or live for His grief.

What a loving and gracious God to send us His Son to set the example that grief is okay and is a part of life here on this broken, messy and jacked up earth. God could have said grief was a sin and then where would be? Instead, He allowed Lazarus to die in order to bring glory to Himself through His Son Jesus’s grief.

I can rest in Jesus, trust Jesus, love Jesus and serve Jesus during my grief knowing that “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” (2 Corinthians 5:21 ESV) and knowing that The Father and the Son both grieved over that event.

Have you ever been stuck on the side of the road because your car wasn’t working?

I have and it can be a pretty scary experience. You feel helpless and if you’re in an isolated area thoughts of survival aren’t too far off. Here in Southern California anything and everything that happens in life happens because of your car. Going to work, going to the store, going to see a friend, going to church etc all happens by car. There is a rather complex but vastly under-resourced public transportation system here in LA that a lot of people do use, but take one ride on any freeway between the hours of 7Am and 11AM Monday-Friday and you’ll realize that not enough people use it, nor would there be enough trains and buses if more people used it.

That being said, the car is your home for long stretches of the week and to have it stop working on you can mean big trouble.

That’s why, when I was on my way home from work the other night, that I decided to help out a stranded group of people on the side of the road.

It was pretty late in the evening and on the stretch of road we were on there was actually fog and mist out and about (or Oot and Aboot for my Canadian readers). There were three young folks in their early 20′s waving their arms as cars drove by. After making a safe U-Turn I came back around and pulled in behind their car. I was greeted by two skinny Asian men and one even skinnier Asian woman.

Our conversation went something like this:

“Thank you so much for stopping!” They all said loudly.

“So what happened to your car?” I asked.

“We think the battery died. Can you give us a jump start?”

“Do you have jumper cables?”

“Oh yes! Yes! We do! Will you help us?”

Now let me break in at this point to size-up the situation for you. First, I had already established that this probably wasn’t some elaborate scheme to harm me or trick me. Their body language was tense and stressed, not nervous and jumpy like someone lying would have been. They all looked me in the eye and didn’t exhibit signs of either aggression or deception. Second, once I felt the situation was safe, leaving and not helping them would have been kind of silly. It was a pretty isolated stretch of road so it would’ve been a while before someone else stopped or before Law Enforcement or AAA would have arrived. Third, I felt like doing something good for someone else for a change.

“Sure I’ll help you.”

“OH! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!” They all shouted.

“It’s my pleasure.” (You can take the Cliff out of Chick-Fil-A but you can’t take the Chick-Fil-A out of Cliff.)

“We’ve been here for so long! Thank you so much! You saved us!”

“I didn’t save you guys, you saved yourselves.” (How many times have I seen that movie?)”If you hadn’t kept trying to flag people down…”

And so I pulled my car around and positioned in front of theirs while they opened their trunk (I kept a careful eye our for tire irons, shotguns, dead bodies and nunchucks) and pulled out the jumper cables. Hoods were opened cables were attached and after a few revs of Black Stallion’s 178 Horses their car had started up after a few turns of the key.

Then something happened that I didn’t expect…

“Thank you so much! I am going to give you a hug!” Said the girl.

“What?” I asked.

“Can I give you a hug for your helping us?” She asked excitedly.

“Well…”

“We’ll all give you a hug! You saved us!” Said the two guys.”

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!

I, a complete stranger, was now being offered three hugs from three skinny Asian people, for simply pulling over and helping out. The time it took from when I first spotted them to the time I’d be back on the road was less than 10 minutes and yet they felt it necessary to offer hugs in gratitude of my measly help.

What in the world was wrong with them?

You don’t just hug a complete stranger for so little a sacrifice! You have to build up to a hug! Especially from three people at once! But here they were offering a small token of their affection for a stranger helping out in a time of need. Assessing the situation again, I decided I would accept the hugs one at a time.

After the hugging was over, and I felt like I was an old friend saying goodbye, they got in their car thanking me all the way, and I got in my car wondering why I was so shocked by what had just happened.

You see most people would have just said thanks, maybe they would have shook your hand and that would be that. No hugs, little gratitude and very little emotion on either part. At best you may get a few dollars for your trouble. At worst you’d get some crazy psycho that’s tying to murder you…

But a hug is very personal. It involves physical contact and is usually reserved for people that you know pretty well and have some sort of relationship with: friendship, courtship, family etc. But they were strangers and in all likelihood I will never see them again in this lifetime. So why did it tangle me up inside?

Because they helped me, more than I helped them.

They helped me to see that doing something nice for someone isn’t an obligation, isn’t a requirement and certainly isn’t a means of salvation. It’s an opportunity.

It’s an opportunity to take a risk.
It’s an opportunity to show grace.
It’s an opportunity to experience a taste of heaven down here on Earth.

Because in heaven we will be hugging and spending all of eternity with people that are complete strangers and yet, we’ll all have the same focus: Jesus. But down here on earth, we don’t all have the same focus and we are sojourners in a temporary place.

[34] You shall treat the stranger who sojourns with you as the native among you, and you shall love him as yourself, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.
-Leviticus 19:34 ESV

Just as the Israelites were sojourners in Egypt, so we all (Christian or non-Christian) are sojourners here on Earth waiting for Deliverance and Redemption. It will ALWAYS be the exception to the rule when you show kindness to a fellow sojourner and it will ALWAYS be the exception when you are shown kindness by a fellow sojourner.

I was shocked to be shown kindness by those three folks on the road and in some ways it’s intimidating and in honest ways it’s convicting. It’s intimidating because they set the bar really high for when I show kindness to those that have shown me kindness. And it’s convicting because I can’t believe the bar was so low before.

So the next time you see someone stranded on the side of the road, remember this:

[1] Let brotherly love continue. [2] Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
-Hebrews 13:1-2 ESV

When I’m at work I’m always looking over my shoulder. The desk that I am at is wonderful because it faces a window but he disadvantage is that the door and the rest of the office is behind me. I listen to music all day while I’m working but because we don’t all share the same taste in music we all wear headphones. All that means is that there is a lot that can and does go on behind me and I have to physically turn my head to keep up with everything that happens throughout the day.

The problem with this is that I continually loose focus on the task at hand. The majority of the time when I am looking over my shoulder what’s going on has nothing to do with me. And usually when there is something that pertains to me I am contacted directly via email or IM. My supervisor here is VERY good about communicating what he needs from me. His expectations are clearly laid out and the project managers that I work with are pretty organized too. Right now, I could do my job without ever interacting with a live human. Between email, IM and task management tools I could conceivably sit at my desk all day and never leave except for breaks.

So why do I have so much trouble focusing on what’s in front of me and find it necessary to keep looking over my shoulder?

The honest answer is…

Sometimes it’s because I want to be useful and be a problem solver and provide resources to my co-workers. Sometimes it’s because they are working on an interesting project and I want to learn more about it. Sometimes it’s because they are learning something new and I want to learn to.

But most of the time it’s fear.

It’s fear that causes me to look over my shoulder and want to be involved with the things going on behind me.

My fear is that whatever is going on behind me will affect or derail the project that is in front of me.

The problem is, looking over my shoulder is the problem, not what’s going on behind me. Learning to trust that whatever is going on behind me is probably not my concern (and in some cases none of my business) is a hard lesson for me.

Just like it was for Lot’s wife. She was concerned with what was going on behind her in Sodom and Gomorrah and the consequences for turning around was her life.

[24] Then the LORD rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulfur and fire from the LORD out of heaven. [25] And he overthrew those cities, and all the valley, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground. [26] But Lot’s wife, behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.
-Genesis 19:26 ESV (emphasis mine)

That can be so true for any of us…

I’ve spent a lot of my life looking over my shoulder in fear of the past and in distrust of God. I wish it was easy to leave my mistakes behind and press on toward what is ahead…

[12] Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. [13] Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, [14] I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 3:12-14 ESV (emphasis mine)

The phrase “straining forward” is the picture of someone running a race and hurtling themselves toward the finish line in a full body burst of energy.

Unfortunately I’ve been pretty lazy running the race these past few years. I’m not even sure if I’ve been running the race so much as sitting on the sidelines watching others zoom by with all their heart, soul, mind and strength toward the finish line. To be honest I’m not even sure who put me there to begin with. After the Firestorm and loosing my Mom, it was probably me who put myself there.

At first it seemed like the right thing to do. I had no business helping others when I couldn’t even help myself. How could I point others to a God whom I had grown to distrust. How could I point someone else to a Bible I barely read (past tense) anymore because I didn’t like what it had to say about pain, suffering and persecution. It all adds up to me taking myself out of the race and letting others pass me by while I “got better.”

The problem was I spent so much time looking over my shoulder at how poorly I ran the first half of the race, that I got distracted from the rest of the race still yet to come. But something inside of me is changing and I can only describe it one way:

I am now the underdog… and I LOVE the underdogs.

Just ask anyone who’s ever been around me during a major (waste of time) sporting event and you’ll know that I always root for the team that’s suppose to loose. I root for the horse that’s not favored to win. I root for the quarterback who’s lost all his games. I root for those bums the Dodgers. I love the come-from-behind-and-kick-butt story! The formula is built into every movie ever made!

Think about it…

Look at your watch the next time you’re at a movie that’s about 2 hours long and set your watch for 75 minutes in. The hero’s plans have failed. They are isolated with no hope and things are looking really bad. Then it happens! Something gives them moral support and it strengthens their character to the point where they are willing to continue. It’s the second turning point (or plot point if you’re old fashioned) and the final conflict between the hero and their obstacle will result in total loss or total victory and resolution!

I believe I have reached the second turning point. The first was turning my life over to Christ.

The second turning point for me is realizing that I know how this race turns out. So I’m warming up and getting ready to get back out there and finish this race well. I’m stretching some old muscles that haven’t been used for a while and I’m recalling my training.

And then watch out… Because this is one runner who not be looking over their shoulder anymore.

Today I spent the day with my Sister and her Boyfriend Daniel driving out to Riverside to place flowers on my Mom’s grave. It was a tough outing but it needed to be done. It helped not to be alone or apart from each other as kids who have lost a Parent. I spent some time on the car ride out praying for the family of Peggy Sturgis who was ushered into the loving arms of Jesus not to long ago. I know what it’s like to spend Mother’s Day without a Mom.

Mother’s Day will always be a difficult day for the rest of my life. I miss her so much everyday, but Mother’s Day is particularly hard. I miss spoiling her with a homemade card, dinner at whatever nice restaurant she chose and being able to spend time that day loving her, hugging her and appreciating all that she meant to me. Her success at being an amazing Mother emphasizes to me how often I failed at being a good son. It took her diagnosis with cancer and her first brush with death in October of 2006 for me to realize (too late) that I had never treated her with the respect and love that she deserved. I have so many regrets at how I treated her as a kid as a teenager and especially as a young adult. And now it’s too late to make up for any of it because she’s gone. Her memory is in my heart, but her presence is thankfully with the Lord… He never let her down… even in death.

When I read the Bible I am struck over and over again by the stories of people who were called by God to suffer.

Think about it…

From Cover to Cover there are countless stories of God’s people suffering and then God using those times in ways they could never imagine. There is even a whole section of Hebrews that is devoted to those who were called to suffer and lived by faith. Their stories serve as a reminder to us that while we are here on earth, we will be called to suffer. The greatest example of all is of course Jesus, who suffered so much that he sweat drops of blood before anyone had ever laid a hand on Him. If you’ve ever wondered if God can use suffering for His glory and for the redemption of mankind, you need look no further than example of suffering in Jesus Christ.

Over the past few years we have all been through a lot. We’ve lost loved ones, we’ve lost battles with evil, we’ve seen a groaning earth rumble and shake cities to the ground and we’ve probably all experienced some difficult financial times as well. For while, when I was in the heat of battle, I became very blind to the suffering of others. I was so consumed and wrapped up in what was going on with me, that I forgot about my fellow man. Yes, the firestorm and trials were very real and the pain was legitimate, but I turned a blind eye to those enduring unspeakable pain and suffering… God did not intend for us to suffer that way.

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be contacting some of you and sharing some things that God has put on my heart. God has burdened me with a message that has changed my life. It’s the message of what the Gospel looks like when those of us who have been called to follow Christ are called to suffer. I’m also going to be contacting some of you and asking you to share your story about times when the Lord has called you to suffer. Some of you have been through some very difficult trials in your life and when I look at your life now, I can see how the Lord has shaped you a molded you because of that call to suffer.

If the Lord wills, the end result will be a resource, or set of resources, that will offer an alternative to our current view of what it means to suffer for the Lord. For now this project is entitled “The Call Of Suffering. The goal of these resources is to reshape and renew our minds when it comes to the topic of suffering in the life of a true follower of Christ. The reason for these resources is that during our times of suffering, it can be hard to understand our relationship with God. We fail to realize that a call to follow Christ, is a call of suffering in Christ. Today, most followers of Christ view suffering as unwanted, undeserved and unfair. However a careful and diligent study of God’s Word produces the constant theme of God calling His followers and even His only Son to suffer. In these resources, we’ll take a look at various instances in the Bible where God has called His people to suffer. We’ll also hear from and explore some present day examples of followers that God has called to suffer. Finally, we will fix our gaze on Jesus, who was called to suffer for the glory of His Father.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.” Hebrews 12:1-3 (ESV)

Over the next few weeks I look forward to meetings and phone conversations with you as we learn about The Call Of Suffering.

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I’d love for you to download these clips and make them available to people that are currently fighting cancer as well as cancer survivors and to families that have lost loved ones. I hope that my Mom’s story will inspire us not because of her strength, but from the strength she found in her Savior Jesus Christ.

1. My cage was rattled over the Conan verse Leno Late Night Wars. I love Conan and always have. Ever since I watched Johnny Carson as a kid I always wondered what it would be like to one-day work on a show like that. I love comedy and I when I found out Conan was going to host The Tonight Show I was excited and gave myself something to work for. To one day write or be a part of the Tonight Show was not a far fetched dream but something I could actually see myself doing. Needless to say it was tough to see Conan be abused by NBC brass but it was inspirational to watch how he went out… by having a lot fun on Television.
2. Since mid-October there has been a hole in my ceiling that resulted from a leaking roof. The roof was eventually fixed however after repeated contact with our management company the ceiling was ignored until early last week when the torrential rains finally proved to be to much for the flimsy patches to hold and the ceiling caved in and damaged irreplaceable pictures. I ended up getting into several shouting matches with people that could care less that water had caused damage to my property due to their negligence. To add insult to injury we were served with an eviction notice because we refused to pay the rent until they decided to do something about the poor maintenance.
3. In addition to the poor maintenance form management Southern California Edison has seen fit to turn our power off three different times over the past 2 weeks. They claim each time it’s for maintenance but then today the power went off with no notice and it wasn’t until after we called that we discovered that there was scheduled maintenance but that the problem was the maintenance caused “severe damage to critical systems which have led to an extended outage.” The power has been out since 9AM this morning and won’t be back on until approximately 6AM tomorrow. Right now I’m hiding out at a Starbucks trying to see if I can get stuff done for the move this weekend.
4. Moving is a pain in the a$$. Packing and going through and getting rid of crap that you’ve had for over 25 years can be both liberating and excruciating. There is freedom that comes from divesting yourself of the things that encumber you, but stuff is funny. We think we need it, but we really don’t. And the truth is the more stuff you have the more problems that stuff brings you. At the same time, the memories that are brought back by a third grade project, or a Christmas card from a particularly tough year can be comforting and encouraging. Then of course moving involves location, location, location. Not to mention cost, cost, cost.
5. Some major changes and events have been transpiring at my former church that directly relate to the ongoing reconciliation process. Needless to say, some key players are abandoning ship and it’s put me in a position where I’m left wondering how far to pursue reconciliation with them. At what point should I abandon the idea that there will be a happy ending to this?

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So there you have it… my complaints and hassles this week. But in reality they pale in comparison to the suffering and misery of the people in Haiti. No food, no water, no electricity, no order, no help, no hope. People’s dead loved ones are piled in the street, violence has been slowly creeping in and churches there have been decimated by structural damage, whole congregations dying and spiritual turmoil due to unimaginable trials. Yet I’m ticked off over and entertainment show, a small pathetic hole in my ceiling, temporary lack of electricity, clinging to stuff that I don’t need and problems with a couple of people who have no control over my spiritual well being.

Pretty selfish and stupid. Sure I texted “Haiti” to 90999, I gave to my church and I donated at Starbucks. But oh how comfortable that was. To sit thousands of miles away from the horror of what is taking place there and to send money to a country that is in ruin. It’s the equivalent of putting a band-aid on a severed limb, I’ve done no good. And yet I am SO ungrateful for the amazing gifts and blessings that I have here and for what? Just a little comfort… I am disgusted.

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I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted a personal update but life has been busy and unpredictable. Hard to tell you all what’s going on when I don’t know what’s going on . You’ll also see that I did a little redesign on the look of the site. Everything is still here but I’m going to be expanding and adding stuff this year and I wanted to make some room. I liked the old theme cause it had 3 Columns but I’m also a big fan on cutting down on information overload so this new theme should work just fine.

Since I tend to be able to think better when I make lists here are few things I’d like to share with y’all:

1. I Will Be Moving At The Beginning Of February – For the past 12 months I have had the privilege of living in the Santa Clarita Valley. It’s had it’s ups and downs but it has been a great opportunity for me to be on my own and learn some important life lessons. I’ve had some great roommates and some great visitors but unfortunately our lease is up at the end of January and the rent is definitely going to be out of our price range. At this point neither of us know where we’re going to end up but suffice it to say we won’t end up on the street. There is a good possibility that I may end up back in my home town but my desire is to find a place in Burbank close to my church family.
2. I’m Finally Beginning To Settle On A Career Path - While the details are still blurry the broad strokes is that I’d like to end up in the world of Production or Post-Production. I know those don’t necessarily go hand in hand but at least it’s been narrowed down. Last year I had the privilege of helping out on some amazing short films and couple of Reality TV Shows. I’ve also had the privilege of editing some great projects last year as well and had an amazing time doing both. Despite the fact that the path I thought I was on 3 years ago has radically changed, being a part of the entertainment industry has always been a part of my path. The Lord has dropped so many opportunities in my lap but unfortunately I took them for granted. 2009 was a tough year stability wise with jobs and income being the biggest issues I wrestled with (compare that to 2008 when I lost everything in my life that meant something to me and it doesn’t seem that bad). I hope that this year the side projects and opportunities will be plentiful and will build a strong body of work to have as a resume for good jobs in the future. But I also know that with the way things are in the economy I’m going to have to work harder then I ever have to find the good ones.
3. God Has Slowly And Faithfully Been Healing Me - 2008 was the worst year of my life. I lost my Mom, my church family, my liberty and hope for a future. Trust me, that is no exaggeration. Sometime in the next 6 months all the details of what transpired in 2008 will come out, but for now please know that I see now that God was in control of it all. As a result, I spent most of 2009 coming to grips with my life being turned upside down and trying to cope with hurt, depression and pain that the Lord allowed. So many of you walked with me and my family through those trials and were faithful and point me to the Lord not matter what the circumstance. I apologize if I didn’t seem receptive, but just know that the Lord spoke through you no matter what my initial response to you might have been. For those of you who are strangers I hope that sharing my story will be an encouragement to you when (NOT IF) you walk through trials in your own life. The Lord allowed some unimaginable things, but He also allowed them for unimaginable reasons that are still being revealed to me daily. When I think back to where I was a year ago I marvel and the Lord’s goodness, faithfulness and trustworthiness, which was a key concept for me last year. I’ve had to learn some hard lessons the hard way, but the Lord has been there every step of the way.
4. God Has Given Me An Incredible New Church Family - When I began looking for a new church a little over a year ago I never thought that I’d find the love and support that I have found in Cornerstone Burbank. When I first started attending there I was a bump on the wall. I came, I didn’t talk, I left and had no meaningful relationships with anyone. At first it was very hard to get over the hurts that I experienced at my previous church, but slowly I saw that God was working in and through the folks in Burbank and I began to see first hand that those folks were the real deal. They submitted to Jesus. served others and loved them both. Through an amazing set of circumstances I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to be vulnerable and share with group about all the doubts and pain I had been experiencing since my Mom had passed away. The group overwhelmed me with love, prayer and sweet fellowship based on our common love for Jesus. It was something that had been missing from my life for over a year and the Lord has used to strengthen and encourage my heart. Since that night I have a church family that trusts me and that I trust as well. This year I hope that the Lord will continue to open up doors in the group where I can serve and be served, love and be loved.
5. God Has Been Drawing Me Closer To My Family - When my Mom passed away in June of 2008 I felt as if our family would never be whole again. That we would be forever scared and would never be a “family” again without her. Last October my Dad married an amazing woman named Cindy. In the months before and after the wedding my Sister and I have gotten to know her and I can honestly say that I consider her to be part of our family. She’s not a replacement for my Mom (as that is impossible) but she’s and addition to our family that has helped heal the wounds of loosing someone you love. She has experienced loss in her life and has been very sensitive and respectful of what my Sister and I have have been going through. She understands the ups and downs of grief which is a blessing from the Lord. This has also served to better my relationship with my Dad. We haven’t always seen eye-to-eye on everything (don’t get us started on politics!) but over the past year my Dad and I have been working though our issues in our hearts as well as our issues with each other. We are communicating better and most of all we enjoy spending time together. My Sister and I are also drawing closer together. We have a little joke between us that we’re always emotional opposites. When I’m having a hard time with something, she has peace about it. When my Sister is struggling to understand, I’m there to try and explain it to her. Considering the fact that these are major life issues we’ve been wrestling with I am so grateful that we can count on each other and that God has made us unique enough to support each other during the tough times. I can honestly say I look forward to our family get-togethers on the weekends and holidays.

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Finally, over the next few months I’d like to start posting again on a regular basis. The biggest reason that I have haven’t been sharing here has been the things on my heart and mind involve matters that are private and involve other people. The Lord has seen fit to begin to heal those situations and is opening the door for a miraculous and amazing story about just how awesome God is and how powerful the Gospel is. My hope and prayer is that the things I share here will be an encouragement and blessing to those that read it and that unlike some of my posts last year, they will be uplifting to others and glorify the Lord.

Last Thursday June 18th, 2009 fourteen people experienced the goodness, faithfulness and trustworthiness of God in a real and tangible way. On a day that should have been filled with sorrow, hopelessness and anger, God did what He does best: He redeemed the irredeemable. As we all gathered around and enjoyed a wonderful and filling meal, we had the opportunity to catch up on what has happened in each others lives this past year. God has done much and over the past year we have all become more fully devoted followers of Christ. This process of course has not been without trial, suffering or discomfort. In fact the majority of it took place as we attempted to fill the gaping whole in our life that my Mom left. Fortunately, it has been the Lord that has filled that gap and provided for our needs in ways we never could have imagined.

After the meal we all gathered in the living room and talked about the many memories we had of the Lord working in my Mom’s life. The more that was shared the more we all saw just how much the Lord used my Mom and even her illness, to teach us all to love Him more. We also talked about the various ways we had all been changed by the Lord’s work in my Mom’s life and the lessons that we learned from her faith in Christ. What stood out most to me was the various words that were used to describe who my Mom was: Forgiving, patient, generous, loyal, selfless, unconditional love, faithful… Going through that list it is easy to see that those are all attributes that my Mom learned from one place… the Lord Jesus Christ. The attributes that we will always remember about her belong also to that of her Savior. She was salt, light, a city on a hill and despite her illness, she reflected the Glory of God with everything that she had in her.

When it was all over, and we had stuffed ourselves with some amazing home-made desserts, I had to take a moment and step back and think about what had just happened. Instead of weeping with no hope, there were tears filled with the promise of a not to distant reunion. Instead of anger at God’s timing there was praise for 52 years that God allowed her to stay. Instead of crawling into a dark room, pulling the covers over our head and pretending that day didn’t exist, we embraced the trustworthiness, faithfulness and goodness of God in the life of His servant, my Mom. It was good to remember 2Timothy 4:7 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith” (ESV). I went to bed that night grateful for the amazing things that God had done that day, in light of what had happened a year ago that day: He had redeemed the irredeemable.

Now it is almost a week later and once again my family is faced with another challenge to remember and know that God is trustworthy, faithful and good. A few days ago my Mom’s sister (my Aunt Becky) was rushed to the hospital with severe pain in her stomach. While the doctors couldn’t immediately find the problem, we prayed and asked God to help them find the problem and come up with a solution to relieve her pain. You see shortly after my Mom’s death, my Aunt had a seizure and was hospitalized for over six months. In that time the doctors and nurses made many mistakes that almost cost my Aunt her life, and when all was said and done, they billed her and my Grandmother outrages sums of money for their mistakes. Over the past six months since my Aunt has been home from the hospital she has endured excruciating physical therapy, insurmountable financial challenges and sub-par medical care from people that should go to jail.

All of this, while she has patiently and quietly grieved for my Mom…

So today when we all found out that she was to have emergency surgery that would set her back to where she was six months ago it was hard to remember the Lord’s goodness. When the doctor came out and told us that my Aunt’s surgery had saved her life for now, rather than healed her permanently, it was hard to remember the Lord’s faithfulness. When I saw her there in the hospital bed with wires and tubes coming from everywhere, machines breathing for her, and barely conscious, it was hard to remember the Lord’s trustworthiness. But then something happened; I remember the Lord’s work in my Mom’s life. I remembered that she got her strength not from Muhammad, or Buddha or the Pope or some cosmic force. I remembered that she didn’t get her strength from reading a book, or rubbing some beads or taking some drug. I remembered “I can do all things through Him (Christ Jesus) who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13 ESV).

As I remembered that I prayed out loud:

“Father God thank You for this day and thank You for Your blessings. Lord help us to remember that You are good, that You are faithful and that You are trustworthy. God You have given us so much strength over the past few years, Lord we’re asking for just a little bit more. And God I believe that You are a never-ending supply of strength so give us what we need to get through this and Lord don’t let us forget where it comes from… Your Son Jesus Christ. In His good name we pray… Amen.”

Now I am at my Grandmother’s house, after having a large and boisterous meal with her and my Grandfather. Looking at us in that booth tonight you would have never known that we had just come from the Hospital or that my Grandmother and Grandfather had been divorced for longer than three decades. We stayed up until just a few hours ago talking and supporting each other. I feel blessed that they are both in my life and I am so grateful to “The Big General,” as my Grandpa calls Him, for all the time God has given me to spend with them, despite the circumstances under which we have met these past few years. It’s another reminder of God’s goodness, faithfulness and trustworthiness during this time of trial.

Your prayers for my Aunt are appreciated and I will do my best to update everyone via my Twitter page which links to my Facebook and to the box in the upper right column of this blog.

Today at 6:15pm my family and I will be observing a moment of silent prayer. It will mark the day and time one year ago that my Mom was ushered in the loving arms of Jesus. At times it feels like that day was a long time ago. But for the most part the feelings, thoughts and overwhelming grief of that day have lingered just beneath the surface as I have wandered through the past 365 days.

I have listened to countless sermons, read a few books, received cards, wept through emails and have had some wonderful people speak God’s truth into my life. All of it has helped on one way or another, but the words the thoughts and prayers will simply never be enough. I dare say that no earthly thing will ever be enough to heal my heart and make it whole.

If there is one small lesson, one short thought, one simple message that I have received loud and clear from God it’s this: “Life on this earth is temporary… and that’s the way it should be.” There is no reason for us to long to stay here on this fragile, fallen and failing earth longer than God’s plan for us.

I am reminded of Paul’s words to the Corinthians,

“For we know that if the tent, which is our earthly home, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.” 2 Corinthians 5:1-4 ESV

Try applying that passage to one whom you love and has been diagnosed with a senseless disease that will slowly take her life. Try applying that passage to the hours you spend on the phone with nurses and doctors at 2am only to hear them tell you there’s nothing more you can do. Try applying that as you attempt to say your final goodbyes, only to be interrupted by your loved one crying out in pain and having to be sedated with Morphine. Try applying that as you count the seconds in-between the labored breaths and come to grips with the debilitating reality that the gap is increasing with brutal regularity. Try applying that as you hold their hand for the last time and watch the life slowly slip from their eyes and the strength slip from their grasp and they take their last breath.

My friends, I can say with all honesty that I failed… I failed to remember the faithfulness, trustworthiness and goodness of God.

I failed to remember the faithful God that created the universe, clothed the naked refugees, parted the Red Sea and sustained an entire people group despite their disobedience and rebellion. I failed to remember the trustworthy God that Abraham trusted despite being asked to sacrifice his one and only son Isaac, that Zechariah trusted despite God’s silence for 400 years and that Stephen trusted his life too in the midst of a hostile crowd. I failed to remember the good God that changes people’s hearts, empowers forgiveness and provides for all our needs in His perfect timing.

I forgot God, even though God had not forgotten me…

Now, after the toughest year of my life, I feel as if I am starting to remember the Lord. The word Remember is used over 130 times in the Old Testament and the majority of the time God is commanding us to remember what HE has succeeded in doing, not what WE have failed to do. Over this past year I have been challenged to regain an eternal perspective and abandon my selfish and unrealistic notion that I have any reason to be faithful to, to trust or to find true joy in anything on this earth that is temporal. Instead, I am to place my hope, faith, trust and expectation of good on the God who has given His Son Jesus Christ as a ransom for my life.

I have a feeling that this is not something that happens in a year, nor should it take place in a short amount of time. In fact, I can, should and want to spend the rest of my life enjoying God and proclaiming His faithfulness, trustworthiness and goodness to others. The best part is that as of the time that I write this, my hope and faith and trust is better placed today than it was a year ago, which shows God’s faithfulness to sustain me, His trustworthiness to lead me where I can’t see and His goodness to provide me with everything I need to get through this day with my mind stayed on the Gospel.

Pray for not only for my family and me today, but pray for yourself. Pray that you will not forget God in your time of need and that you will remember his faithfulness, trustworthiness and goodness, especially in those moments when all of them seem to be so far away.

For the past 7 years September 11th has been a day that has caused many to pause and ponder the fragility of human life. As a nation we have never experienced grief of this magnitude since Pearl Harbor so many decades ago, still fresh in the minds of another generation. One day in the future, people of this generation will tell the next generation why this day was so pivotal in our lives. And, just as our generation did, they won’t understand it until the defining and pivotal moment comes in their lifetime.

What is so fascinating about a day like September 11th is the scale, the comprehensiveness and the universality of the grief it brought about.

First, almost 3,000 people died as a result of the direct attacks that day and over 3,000 more have given their lives in the ensuing war. That makes the total cost in human lives (from America alone) at over 6,000. Imagine for a moment if only two people knew each of the 6,000 people that have died and you have at least 18,000 that have died or were directly affected by those events. But the list doesn’t stop there. Each of those two people have a few friends and pretty soon the number of those who are only 1 person away from the tragedy has grown quite a bit. Add to that the number of people who saw the attacks, and have watched the coffins arrive live on TV and now you have millions of people that witnessed a traumatic life changing event. The scale of grief is overwhelming to think about.

Second, the grief takes on many shapes and fashions. There is the immediate grief caused by the death of a loved one. There is the empathetic grief that others feel toward those that are left behind. There is the fearful grief at the loss of our safety and security. There is the angry grief at the failure of leadership to prevent the attacks and their decision to implicate an innocent nation instead of getting the real bad guys. There is the survivors grief of those who escaped buildings, called in sick, missed flights or had a feeling to take a different route than normal. There is the spiritual grief for those that can’t piece together how a loving and caring God could allow such terrible things to happen to those He says He loves and to their families. There is the guilty grief that wishes they had said “I love you,” or had hugged someone or forgiven someone but never got the chance. There is the intellectual grief that causes people to crunch numbers and count statistics on how it was almost impossible for all the tumblers to fall into place and allow the devil himself to be unleashed. The comprehensiveness of the grief is also overwhelming to think about.

Third, all humans will face grief in its various and insidious forms. It may come in the form of cancer, or a hurricane, or a tornado or a weak levy, but most often it comes from you and me. That’s right everyone, look around, look in a mirror and you will find the main source of grief in all it’s gory glory. Mankind. If we’re not doing something to hurt ourselves, we’re probably doing something to hurt someone else. No one in this life can escape it from the moment they are conscious of themselves to the moment they take their last breath. All have tasted the grip of grief. All are shaped by it, most don’t understand it, some embrace it and few deny it. We all know what it’s like to loose someone, even if it is not death that separates us. Perhaps it’s time, perhaps it’s hurt perhaps it’s distance. Whatever it may be, we have all lost people we cared about. We also have felt the sting of defeat in the midst of a battle. Perhaps it’s a battle with a disease, perhaps it’s a battle with sin, perhaps it’s a battle with God. There is no way to overlook the battles we’ve all lost in one way or another. The universality of grief will always be overwhelming to think about.

So where does that leave us 7 years later?

7 years later we still grieve, 6,000 people are still dead and everyone has been changed by this one event for the rest of their lives here on earth. I can only think of one other event in history that has affected mankind in such a way. It is the eucatasrophe of the cross. Out of the grief, pain, loss and fear that came in the final moments of the cross, there came an event that turned a catasrophic event into a glorious moment of hope and strength for those that needed it the most. The Resurrection. From the rubble of a mountain shaped like a skull came the new, pure and glorified body of the One who had made it all to begin with. Such is the work that only someone like the God of the Bible can do. Only God can take the shattered and torn in heart, the broken and weary in faith, the lonely and grieving in spirit and bring about a sudden and complete reversal that undoes the power of grief and transforms it into joy. And only God can heal those who grieve.

DeborahAmes.org

In the next few days I am going to be launching my Mom’s website. I am very excited about it and can’t wait to share it with you all. It’s based on the verse she holds most dear.

13I can do all things through HIM who strengthens me.
-Philippians 4:13

Over the next few weeks as my Mom transitions to this “last” option we will need your prayers, we will need your support and most of all we will need the Lord’s guidance and peace. Hopefully in the next few weeks we’ll be setting up a website that will be updated regularly by our family and will be able to keep you posted on how things are going. As soon as it’s ready I’ll let you know.

I want to close with one last thought. In 1 Samuel 7 the prophet Samuel has called the Israelites back to the Lord after they had been disobedient. Despite the bad circumstances and the bleak outlook for the future Samuel does something incredible.

“Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, ‘ ‘Till now the LORD has helped us.’”
- 1 Samuel 7:12 (ESV)

Although my Mom’s illness is not God’s punishment for sin, nor is it consequences of sinful behavior, our broken messy world and our frail earthly bodies are all subject to the consequences of the fall in the garden. Thank God for His Son Jesus Christ, who was sent to put enmity between us and the Accuser, to pay for our sin, to Rise again, conquering over death Hell and the grave, and to Ascend into Heaven so we know that our eternal hope is secure.

God has brought us this far, He is not going to let us go.

Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

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All that is in preparation for what I am about to tell you. Most of you know that my Mom was very ill recently but had been healed and was doing better. Today we faced some tough news that her disease is coming back. Please be praying for her and my family.

Whew! What a day! My day started off in chapel today. It was quite possibly the best musical worship that I have ever experienced in chapel before! A team of international students did a tremendous job leading us in musical worship this morning. It was very emotional for me to realize just how much God has blessed me this past year. About a year ago we got some terrible news about my Mom that left us wondering just how much time we had left to spend with her. Today we had lunch in the cafe at school. Something that I thought a year ago would never happen. That just goes to show how little I know about God, His will, His plans and His way.

After I said good-bye to Mom I went to meeting for Outreach Week. Here at TMC in the fall classes are canceled for a week and the students are sent to different churches for Outreach Week. Last year because of my Mom’s illness I ended up serving at my Home Church and sticking close to Mom at the hospital. This year, because Mom has been healed, I am going waaay outside my comfort zone and traveling to Tulsa, Oklahoma to minster at a church there. I will be making a documentary about our team as well as helping put together a media campaign for an inner city community center the church would like to raise funds for and build.

Later in the evening I went to a party at one of my Professors house. He decided to have a party to welcome all the new Communication students since he is the head of the communication department. I really enjoy his parties not only because of the food but because I get to sit and have conversations about intellectual things and not be looked at like I’m crazy. As communication students we all have a lot in common because we’re all suffering through the same classes and we’re all subject to the wishes of the head of the department. He is very demanding and the students in the Communications department are expected to be intellectual, readers and writers at the very least. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t discuss O’Henry and Faulkner the whole time; we did digress to feeding each other grapes and discussing the finer points of male female relationships.

After the party I headed off to the off-campus dorm of Cornerstone to visit with one of my buddies. We had a great time going out to coffee and hanging out. As we were sitting there rain began pouring from the sky. I had to walk back to my car in the rain without a jacket or umbrella and ended up getting pretty wet! It was awesome! It is the first rain that I’ve experienced in a long time. Even though I was uncomfortable at first I finally felt that rush of getting into a car, being soaked to the bone and enjoying a good laugh with a friend.

Needless to say, it has been a long day but a good day. Things have been very busy here and I am sort of behind on some of my work. Today was encouraging because I felt the joy of the Lord through-out all that I was doing. Tomorrow will be nose to the grindstone again, but today was important for many reasons. Among those is that I have had the opportunity to learn about enjoying today and not worrying about the next day.

“31′Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ”What shall we eat?” or ”What shall we drink?” or ”What shall we wear?” 32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34″Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.’”

-Matthew 6:31-34 (ESV)

Secondly I suppose I should just point out that I’ve never really had the guts to post anything on this Blogg or on MYSPACE that was very vulnerable. They say that blogging is for those that have the guts to share with others what is really going on in their life. I have found a few that post their thoughts and feelings freely on MYSPACE but most prefer to use Blogger, Typepad, WordPress or something of the like. I am in both realms where I know that I have a large MYSPACE following (around 60 that actually are on MYSPACE regularly) but I am unsure as to who actually reads my Blogger journals. I originally created the Blogger as a platform for my Podcasts (which have been wildly successful) but now I realize that I save stories etc for the Podcasts and really share very few things by actually typing them out. My point is this: My experience has been that most really don’t post to publicly journal their life, they are simply trying to remain connected to friends new and old. This is not a bad thing but for me the intention was to both keep in touch as well as be authentic… so here goes…

There have been some things going on in my head lately that just don’t make sense:

1. God has placed in my heart the capacity to love, the will to love and yet I hate people around me. I don’t mean hate in the stereotypical way either. I mean hate in a way that allows for no forgiveness and bondage for those that hurt me. I bind them to their fault or sin that they committed against me (sometimes without their knowing) and separate them from me in a sort of “emotional jail”. I have been doing this to my family for years mostly because it is how my immediate family operates. We shut each other out emotionally when we offend one another or do not perform as expected. It disgusts me that the reality in my house is love is a rare commodity that is doled out on a conditional basis, myself included.

2. I choose whom I love carefully. Having learned at the age of 5 that people are not to be trusted I choose those that can give me something, that can move me ahead in life or who worship the ground I walk on. I choose to love those that are easy to love: the rich, the beautiful the powerful. I show my love in different ways to each depending on what type of person they are and what I can get in return. If I cannot get an immediate return on the investment I immediately re-evaluate just how valuable they can be and if it is worth pursuing still. Will this take more work than I’m willing to put in? And when they do not perform as expect of the investment is to large and the yield is too low I cast them aside. And for the very few that have fooled me into thinking they can be trusted and yet manage to hurt me or challenge my serenity they have a special spot reserved in “Cliff’s Hell”. They receive an immediate and swift severing of connections, affection and communication. I then subject my other friends to long tirades of how this person was no good from the beginning, spreading vicious rumors and proceeding to dismantle any positive image they had with anyone that is foolish enough to cross my path. Occasionally the payers of the “chosen” are heard and I allow some to escape “Cliff’s Hell” and are allowed into “Cliff’s Purgatory” where they usually remain forever.

3. Among those that I choose to love there is always the “Executive Cabinet”. They are the decision makers in my life: The Secretary of Reason and Logic (my friend Kenny), The Secretary of Emotion and Feelings (a recently vacant post due to Treason) and The Joint Secretaries of The Straight Up Answer (my friends Jon and Levi). There is of course my consultant Jesus who gets to weigh in now and then on decisions but for the most it’s a honorary position that has to be included well… because He’s Jesus right? Of course every once in a while there is indecision, conflicting recommendations or to put it plainly they just don’t agree with the decision that I’ve already made but have come to them for justification of my actions. In those cases I usually explain away, rationalize and Bull $hit my way through so that they believe I will actually make the decision they have recommended.

4. After realizing that those 3 things are who I am and how I act I sit and wonder why I am still single, have not clear calling or career and I am constantly unhappy and looking for the latest and greatest anything to satisfy my lust.

Thoughts, questions comments, cries of outrage?