Looking Over My Shoulder…

When I’m at work I’m always looking over my shoulder. The desk that I am at is wonderful because it faces a window but he disadvantage is that the door and the rest of the office is behind me. I listen to music all day while I’m working but because we don’t all share the same taste in music we all wear headphones. All that means is that there is a lot that can and does go on behind me and I have to physically turn my head to keep up with everything that happens throughout the day.

The problem with this is that I continually loose focus on the task at hand. The majority of the time when I am looking over my shoulder what’s going on has nothing to do with me. And usually when there is something that pertains to me I am contacted directly via email or IM. My supervisor here is VERY good about communicating what he needs from me. His expectations are clearly laid out and the project managers that I work with are pretty organized too. Right now, I could do my job without ever interacting with a live human. Between email, IM and task management tools I could conceivably sit at my desk all day and never leave except for breaks.

So why do I have so much trouble focusing on what’s in front of me and find it necessary to keep looking over my shoulder?

The honest answer is…

Sometimes it’s because I want to be useful and be a problem solver and provide resources to my co-workers. Sometimes it’s because they are working on an interesting project and I want to learn more about it. Sometimes it’s because they are learning something new and I want to learn to.

But most of the time it’s fear.

It’s fear that causes me to look over my shoulder and want to be involved with the things going on behind me.

My fear is that whatever is going on behind me will affect or derail the project that is in front of me.

The problem is, looking over my shoulder is the problem, not what’s going on behind me. Learning to trust that whatever is going on behind me is probably not my concern (and in some cases none of my business) is a hard lesson for me.

Just like it was for Lot’s wife. She was concerned with what was going on behind her in Sodom and Gomorrah and the consequences for turning around was her life.

[24] Then the LORD rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulfur and fire from the LORD out of heaven. [25] And he overthrew those cities, and all the valley, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground. [26] But Lot’s wife, behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.
-Genesis 19:26 ESV (emphasis mine)

That can be so true for any of us…

I’ve spent a lot of my life looking over my shoulder in fear of the past and in distrust of God. I wish it was easy to leave my mistakes behind and press on toward what is ahead…

[12] Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. [13] Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, [14] I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 3:12-14 ESV (emphasis mine)

The phrase “straining forward” is the picture of someone running a race and hurtling themselves toward the finish line in a full body burst of energy.

Unfortunately I’ve been pretty lazy running the race these past few years. I’m not even sure if I’ve been running the race so much as sitting on the sidelines watching others zoom by with all their heart, soul, mind and strength toward the finish line. To be honest I’m not even sure who put me there to begin with. After the Firestorm and loosing my Mom, it was probably me who put myself there.

At first it seemed like the right thing to do. I had no business helping others when I couldn’t even help myself. How could I point others to a God whom I had grown to distrust. How could I point someone else to a Bible I barely read (past tense) anymore because I didn’t like what it had to say about pain, suffering and persecution. It all adds up to me taking myself out of the race and letting others pass me by while I “got better.”

The problem was I spent so much time looking over my shoulder at how poorly I ran the first half of the race, that I got distracted from the rest of the race still yet to come. But something inside of me is changing and I can only describe it one way:

I am now the underdog… and I LOVE the underdogs.

Just ask anyone who’s ever been around me during a major (waste of time) sporting event and you’ll know that I always root for the team that’s suppose to loose. I root for the horse that’s not favored to win. I root for the quarterback who’s lost all his games. I root for those bums the Dodgers. I love the come-from-behind-and-kick-butt story! The formula is built into every movie ever made!

Think about it…

Look at your watch the next time you’re at a movie that’s about 2 hours long and set your watch for 75 minutes in. The hero’s plans have failed. They are isolated with no hope and things are looking really bad. Then it happens! Something gives them moral support and it strengthens their character to the point where they are willing to continue. It’s the second turning point (or plot point if you’re old fashioned) and the final conflict between the hero and their obstacle will result in total loss or total victory and resolution!

I believe I have reached the second turning point. The first was turning my life over to Christ.

The second turning point for me is realizing that I know how this race turns out. So I’m warming up and getting ready to get back out there and finish this race well. I’m stretching some old muscles that haven’t been used for a while and I’m recalling my training.

And then watch out… Because this is one runner who not be looking over their shoulder anymore.